The One: Needing vs. Loving (part 2)

Needing The One

My Love and I came together in a hungriness. We spent one fateful day together intoxicated by the idea of one another. As soon as our eyes locked we were staring at a vision of a life together. Only a day later, words of promise were implied in bold statements: "finally I found you"... "you are The One that I have been waiting for". The sudden buzz of such encounters left us both smitten and certain that we were the luckiest two people on the planet. In short, we were immediately convinced that the sensation of our own divinity (our SHiNE) simply had to be invested in one another... for that was what finding The One meant, right?

Now I am not one to entertain such musings lightly. I caution my clients to take care not to confuse the true Source of illumination with the vehicle through which it presents itself. Yet, I was a romatically-inclined woman hungry for connection. It had been three years since my last relationship. I knew in my heart that I wanted (and could have) a love of such depth and intensity as to spend a life together; nevertheless, I had no idea what that might look like in its healthiest form. My time spent in solitude was a preparation of sorts - undoing old ways of being with the determination to do relationship differently next time. I had even created a vision (on paper) of who I thought this man whom I would devote my heart to might be like. When he showed up, I was immediately sold by an energetic resume that aligned with my idea of the him-ness that would best suit me.

Not to mention, his words were intoxicating. I was his destiny! I was enamored by the idea that someone could feel such things about me. In my expressions of fear (that I wasn't sure I could say the same of him yet), he became ever-more confident in our union. He would meet my fears with the light touch of his conviction... and I would become immediately his again. As Deida put it so eloquently (see Part 1): "[his] adoration and neediness assuaged my fear and buoyed my self-sense." And, in turn, "my insecurity and neediness made [him] feel more secure in [his] ownership of [me]." At times, I was acutely aware of this dynamic. Yet even when I felt concern that our destined union was slightly laced with co-dependent landmines, I pushed it aside as fear of commitment. I was needed... and so I gave more of myself to us.

In essence, I see I was inadvertently attempting to realize my self-worth through another.

No Longer Needing The One

So I entered whole-heartedly... or so I thought. In truth, I was in a state of hopeful cynicism at best. I always felt there was a suspicious energy continually lurking in the shadows. As if somehow we were setting ourselves up for its unexpected emergence.

That inevitable revelation came in a painful realization...
We were not an energy invincible.

We shared more and more of our lives with one another, and eventually fell into a mundane existence where the intoxication that once unified us gave way to sobriety. And in the most unexpected turn of events, I suddenly discovered that my Love had drifted away from me towards the intoxicating Love of another. And, due to the impossible expectations that we had placed upon one other, we were unable to survive. For to believe that someone is The One for whom your love is destined is to believe that it could not possibly have cause to venture elsewhere. And so when that love leaks out - and there is a new source of fixation - inevitable confusion arises for all parties involved. The lovers are left wondering, "Could I be mistaken that he/she/the other is The One?"

I suppose it all depends on how we define The One. When we no longer feel the urgent and intoxicating NEED for someone... could they still be The One to whom our heart is called? When the hunger is no longer what is urging our heart towards communion, what else are we left with?

Love.

Love ultimately reveals The One to us. When all that I need from you dissolves into all that I have to offer in love with you... ultimate expression of Oneness is found. For it may in fact be that needing someone is just the opposite of loving them.


Loving The One

For me, I have determined that The One is a choice - a set of actions that say... now that I no longer need you, I choose to love you. And Love of The One says, I will love you even in this.

I have discovered - as this relationship is ending - that even in the face of a future that looks nothing like ever-after, I can only know The One in the moment. And so, he is The One. He is The One who will prepare my heart in redefining One-ness forever.

Thus...
The One is He whom my heart is open to without need to be filled...
And The One whom I love even when he no longer needs me to.

I am committed to treating this relationship with a new reverence. We once worshipped one another as The One (for the sense of promise we offered). Now, even in our pending separation, I still choose to worship my lover as The One... until death do us part. The One whom my heart is devoted to in loving... no longer in needing. And in surrendering my need, I can witness our death (be it on the horizon) without the hunger to salvage what I cannot in good faith make right on my own.

I don't need to. For The One happens through me... and another one will reveal himself to me. And I will say with confidence and conviction, "You are The One - for at the moment that needing dissolves into loving, true Oneness is found."