The Shape of The Beloved

I write to you in a moment of naked atonement (at-one-ment)... a moment of forgiving myself for the feelings of jealousy and insecurity that seduced a a suddenly barren heart into delusion.

In his book, Intimate Communion, David Deida calls it The Him-Shaped Void. It is the imprint left in the heart of a woman, reflecting the shape of the last one with whom she shared the union of her open heart and body.

It explains so much. It explains why, even when we know that the choice to separate from a relationship is the best thing for us, a part of us still hangs on defiantly. The heart cries, out... "give me the him-ness" to fill that space inside that yearns to be full again.

It took me years of defiance to realize that to love another with an open heart is not weakness at all. It is simply the heart of me seeking to partner in its strength and brilliance... and nature's way of making sure that I have intimacy in my life. And intimacy (in-to-me-see) is the mirror of truth; that is if we choose to look ourselves square in the face.

As life shifts, and the Him-Shape Void becomes apparent, we are vulnerable in the best possible way. There is a door open to another energy that can engulf us in a way that an imprint cannot match... the energy of The Beloved. Who is the beloved? Is it that perfect lover whom will ignite us to the core? Some might say yes. Although, I prefer to believe that our lover is a carefully-chosen companion in a unified mission... reaching out to reveal The Beloved as it can be experienced in the flesh.

I speak of The Beloved as it is viewed in Sufism - the Ultimate Beloved. It is when we approach union on a grander scale. We seek not to fall in love (and be filled with love) but to fall in love with Love as that space in which we are the filler. It envelopes us, and we spend our lives (in and out of relationships) learning how to let Love move in, as, and through us.

"The Beloved is all, the lover just a veil.
The Beloved is living, the lover a dead thing.
If Love witholds its strengthening care,
The lover is left like a bird without wings.
How will I be awake and aware
If the light of the Beloved is absent?
Love wills that this Word be brought forth.
If you find the mirror of the heart dull,
The rust has not been cleared from its face."
.........Rumi (Mathnawi Book 1, 34)

In my recent experience, The Him-Shape Void adapts upon becoming vacated. The lover is given the blessed gift of being left alone to create a miracle within her own heart. She uses emptiness as a welcome contrast to connect to an abyss-like rapture always available to her. She is penetrated by a force that exceeds the potentials of the flesh. She is occupied by The Beloved - by Love Itself.

From here, yes... this is the place from which I want to love. I hereby profess my love for The Beloved and immerse my heart in its spaciousness. I am swallowed whole by Love, and revealed completely vulnerable. I am not vulnerable to the actions and choices of others (which I cannot control). I am instead vulnerable in my total surrender to The Beloved's sacred commitment to me... When your heart growls with hunger, it is then that I am there. Find me by sending Love forth, pushing It through the resistance to unleash My Presence unto you.

Does this mean that I am to be without lovers in the flesh? Oh, certainly it does not. It means that I do my best to create an atmosphere in and around my heart that seeks not the fullness of another... but one that reflects the bounty of us both. I become a mirror of the most-infinite and most-pure depths by entering the covenant of The Beloved. I then offer that bounty to the lover of my choice.

I want to participate in the Highest Love. My horoscope this week reads: "Always focus more intensely on the pleasure of giving the beautiful love you have to offer than on your hunger for the love you have always wanted to get."

The Beloved impregnates my heart so that I am no longer hungry. My feast is found within.