I Am That, I Am

I just finished watching The Moses Code, a relatively new release by director James Twyman. Take the recent hit, The Secret, and add higher consciousness including a heavy emphasis on the role of service and interdependence in spirituality. Unlike the teachings of late that have paved the way, this film is not promoting a metaphysical message focused on empowering the self... instead it emphasizes a holy message intent upon empowering the soul. The movie centers around the words revealed to Moses at the burning bush... I Am That I Am... and offers a suggestion for an entirely new way of approaching this message. I will not go into the particulars... as the purpose of this posting is not to review the movie. There is much to be said about the film... yet, I am writing from a personal place tonight.

There is an undeniable truth that I have been overlooking in my life. It helped reveal itself to me tonight, and I have decoded a perception that is a recent source of great struggle.

Pictured above is me just a few months after I arrived in Portland, over four years ago. As you can see, I looked very different then. I had very short hair... and my body was tight and brimming with muscles from the diligence of daily pushing them to their edge. This was an important season in my life. Beginning in the year 2000, the body you see above carried me through many achievements and much growth. My streamlined physique above reflected my business ethic, my single-minded ambition, and my passion at the time.

This was the true beginning of a destiny that I felt called to embody. It stemmed from a reason for being that resonated within me for as long as I can remember. And in the years from the time of that photo to now, I have witnessed the miraculous. I have watched myself inch ever-more closely to my calling (and I know this, because the voice gets louder). And the primary way that I have done this to date has been to say "yes" to pathways that have enabled me to connect to the voice within. One choice at a time, I awakened to my soul's yearning... saying yes to heartbreak as a journey to self love.... yes to an insatiable spiritual inquiry... yes to the emergence of the leader within in job after job... yes to being unpopular to others in the pursuit of my truth... yes to movement as a vehicle for unleashing my brilliance... yes to hooping as a pathway to understand what enlivens me in the presence of others. Again and again, yes has been leading me home.

Now, I find myself standing at the doorway of my mission as a messenger in this time of great love embodiment. And, suddenly, "no" has stepped in.

I have been experiencing a great paralysis. I am no longer the same driven woman in that picture above... a young soul who manifested opportunity after opportunity... businesses, clients, and projects. The one who dared to dream of a life where she could work for herself. The one who worked endlessly, blasting through to-do lists and pushing through with a warrior mindset. I am the woman on the other side of the wall she busted through. I find myself standing at the point of entry, saying: "Ah yes, now... I know what I can and must do." And... I do nothing! Much unlike this decade of movement that propelled me into the now, anything other than stillness feels false to this new me.

And so, it was today that I wondered aloud to a dear friend, "What is it that stops me from the actions towards this next creation of my soul's deepest yearning?"

The pieces are coming together now. You see, I have felt conflicted in my heart. I have always been wired in such a way that I cannot step forth on a path where my heart does not fully align. I have experienced it admiration, resentment, and utter confusion from others for this inherent trait in me. Yet, I have come to accept it in myself.

The degree to which my heart has been halting the progression of my path as an aspiring author is becoming more clear. I now understand that an old paradigm has expired, and a new one has been forming. I am unwilling to take even a step forward with a worn-out energetic that feels out of integrity with who I am destined to become.

My Destiny in this life is Service.
And the gifts that I am blessed with are not commodity or product.
They are blessed pathways that require Grace and Humility.

The old paradigm is that of the Entrepreneur. Much of its energy hinges on the question of how to take skills and talents and make them a marketable and sustainable source of sustenance in my life. This mode of being is not good or bad, as it certainly served its time in my life. Nevertheless, it has been flipped on its head over the past few months, and I see it now clear as day. I don't know yet how this will change how and what I do... but I do know that a rapid and irreversible revolution is happening with me on a soulular level.

While I am not rejecting the ways of business development as we know them to operate, I am certain that my creative energies will continue to allude me if I continue to yoke them to dollars and cents. In this new world where I see us all benefiting organically from the way in which we are destined to serve this world, a financial plan for a path of transformation feels somehow forced. Certainly, I can set objectives! Yet, I know that what I must create I must create for the sake of serving a greater good.

I must serve because service is needed.
I must give of myself because giving is the only thing that matters.

Even to me it sounds a bit idealistic. How will I pay my bills if I take a month off to write a book? How can I energetically give away my time and energy to causes that need it without room in my budget? I will not go there. I leave such miracles to God. I only know that this is the simplification (however naive) that must take place as I move forward on my path. I opened myself to God through the path of the Entrepreneur... and now the Minister is stepping in to take her place.

It is not that I believe I have to live minimally (or go without the material pleasures in life) to be great in service.... yet I do know that, for me, service must start to proceed my monetary apprehensions and needs to feel secure. I fully appreciate and honor the ways in which the business-mind is shaping my reality and providing me with liberties to have choice over what I do with my time... yet, what AM I doing with my time? This may sound dramatic but everything aside from helping others to feel the light of their brilliance within feels like a slow death to me. Too much time is spent on complex business operations and not enough on the inspirations that pulse through me in the moment.

I am taking my life back now.
I pray for the divine guidance within me to show me the way.