The Body Condition

To be in harmony with the Oneness of things is
to be without anxiety about imperfection.
Zen Master Dogen

I have been thinking a lot about body conditioning. You might think that I am referring to the many actions that we take to bring the physical body to its optimal state of performance. No, today I speak of something closer to my heart. I am in awe of our cultural conditioning and our conditional acceptance of the body as whole, functional, and perfect.

Last night, I stood in front of the mirror and witnessed my ego lash out venemously at my body. All in all, the winter months have been very good to me. I have a beautiful and cozy new home, a loving relationship of renewed balance, and a feeling of contentment I have never known. And, I have gained 10-15 pounds.

Our new home has only a very small mirror in the upstairs bathroom where I shower and primp each day. As a result, I rarely see my full reflection naked. I have certainly noticed the shift in my activity level (a common cycle for me in the cold months, while also a function of some professional shifts). My clothes fit differently, for sure. But I was, nevertheless, a bit shocked when I stood on the bed to catch a glimpse of my new fullness in the mirror above my dresser. Now I don't mean to place value judgments. The truth is, I really do see beauty in many different body shapes and sizes in women all around me. So why is it that the ruler against which I measure myself is so different?!

In 2001, I was miserable in my body. I had been managing a restaurant 60 hours a week for far too long. I was eating poorly, and had little to no physical stamina. I was fed up, and hungry in the spirit. I left my job and moved to Boulder, Colorado. It was there that I stepped into my first Nia class. I was completely hooked from the get-go. For over a year, I did Nia every single day. I couldn't move enough. I obtained my white belt, began teaching, and soon added regular qigong and yoga practice to the mix. I was suddenly addicted to movement and the flow of chi through my body. I was a physical machine.

Naturally, my body changed dramatically. At the height of this athletic phase in my development my body was thin, taunt, and very strong. While this may have been my initial aim, I was oddly unaffected by it. I just wanted to move, plain and simple. The new shape my movement took was just a convenient by-product. I took it completely for granted. It was easy to rarely think about it given that the conditions for my conditional body-love were more ideal at that time than they had every been. My body condition was such that, most of the time, I could conditionally accept it. No problem.

It wasn't until I moved to Oregon that everything changed. Over the past 4 years, life conditions have gradually led to less to less movement. As the Coach in me has become more activated, the Athlete has grown disinterested. For months upon months, I forced myself to teach Nia, even though I feel in my heart I have outgrown it as a teaching practice. In mid-December of 2007, I finally left my regular teaching practice.

In the summer of 2006, when the hoop entered my life, I experienced another burst of the physical. I rode the wave of newness and performance for a time, yet the hooping world - full of amazing individuals whom I love! - is, quite simply, a unique culture that I don't always resonate with as a lifestyle. I have yet to fully find my place in it outside of the classroom. Teaching Hoopdance has given me a new vehicle to explore via the body, yet still, I am called to do it less and less over time.

I am coming to accept that I am teacher above all else. My mediums are likely to shift and change throughout my life, that this I must allow. And so, my body condition has changed with the seasons of my heart.

Ironically, at this new weight, I am more grounded and stable than ever. Eating meat and honoring my body's natural rhythms (no longer pushing it to its edge every day) has been the greatest act of self-love. It has occurred to me that perhaps my ego's ideal body shape is not that which my body and spirit responds to best. At least at this moment in time. And my heart - the mediator between body and mind - is meant to foster the unity of self-acceptance.

I want to reiterate the recommended reading for July 2007, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. I am revisiting it now. It is a beautifully-crafted book that teaches us how to embrace each moment in time with love and gratitude. Read it again and again.

May your most important body condition be acceptance.
Namaste.