Inside and Out

Betrayal Is An Inside Job
The Journey to Forgiveness

It has been said that the first time someone betrays you, it is his fault. And that each time after is your own. I resonate with this at first glance; yet, in light of recent events, I have the urge to look closer. Perhaps, on some level, betrayal is always an inside job?

Today, I look back on the relationship that I most recently separated from and I am in awe of the fabrications that operated within my mind... keeping me from seeing clearly. In short, who I wanted this man to be, he was not. And I did everything I could to make him that someone other than who he was. You see, leading up to this relationship, I spent time and energy defining exactly what I wanted... mentally and emotionally constructing an ideal. I was committed to this image in my mind, and when a man came along who offered his heart (and his physical and energetic credentials) to me, I welcomed him with open arms. I was eager to love him as that which I wanted (for I naively believed that his presence alone confirmed that I attracted what I wanted, right?). So when indicators began to emerged from the very beginning that let me know certain somethings were out of integrity between us, I ignored them. I overlooked the times when our values were not in alignment. I overlooked our poor communication. I overlooked the most essential fact that truth was not present enough of the time. And mostly, I overlooked the reality that I was deceiving myself to the bitter end.

To sum up the destruction of our relationship:
I deceived me. Then he deceived me.

From the outside, given the dramatic turn of events and betrayal of trust, it could seem like I am a victim of his choices in the end. Neverthless, as of this moment, I take ownership my many self-deceptions that proceeded his. Each and every moment that I chose to overlook the truth about who this man could really be in my life... each time I re-invented him to live up to my ideal of who he could be - rejecting the truth of the moment - I lied to us both through my love. It was unfair. We could even go so far as to say that I cheated on him long before he stepped out on me (as I consistently made love to someone who existed mostly in my mind). What is staggering to consider, is how many times I reconstructed him... then felt myself as a victim of the pain of my own betrayal.

I know, it sounds a bit extreme. Of course there were ways in which I was extremely present and in love with the truth of him. There were a great many things that I loved - and still love - about him. Primarily, I was enamored by the potential man within him... his unique brilliance intrigued me (as I have been gifted the power to see it in everyone who crosses my path). Yet, as I have learned in my work with clients, me seeing it is not enough. Each person must do the work, for himself or herself, in order to do the sometimes painful untangling of the threads that bind us to habitual responses in order to free the power we have been granted.

To fall in love with who someone has the potential to become, versus who they are in the moment... well, that self-deception I take full responsibility for perpetuating. I suppose we all do this to a certain degree with those we love. Time and intimacy (in-to-me-see) in relationship always reveals the areas in which we need to grow in big and bold ways. That I expected. I know that the mystique that he had surrounding me had to be shadowed by my day-to-day realities and ego-dance. No one is perfect... yet, what I have learned without a doubt in the past few months?... In order for a relationship to work, honesty must be an active agent. And honestly with self comes first. It's the foundation from which all other truths emerge.

So as for betrayal... I do not I take responsibility for his choices in the end. I simply acknowledge that the deceptions that out-pictured in my world with me as the "victim" are but a reflection of an internal reality already present within. So looking into the mirror of my own manifestations I see...

I am no victim of circumstance... I am the image it reflects.

Creation Is An Outside Job
The Potential Within Bears Fruit

From my deepest core, I believe that no matter what decisions we make, our greatest good will eventually find us. So how is that, if we are the creators of our own realities? I am continually humbled by my meager attempts to create my life. At a a time when The Secret and The Law of Attraction are hot topics, I am a student and teacher of metaphysics who says "not quite." Don't get me wrong, I believe in these principles to a certain degree... and they are at work in my life. I have attracted so much of what my heart desires. Yet, it seems that Spirit is offering me an alternate perspective on it all. I can have everything I desire and more.. only to realize that what I want may not be what it is that I am really seeking. And when the best possible reality emerges in my life, it is often a far cry from what I thought I needed. I am but a humble soul, aligning with life itself and allowing creation to find me.

Let's look to nature for clarification, shall we?
Imagine the flower seed who is in charge of its own creation. Is it the seed that attracts the blossom? Or is it that within the seed exists the potential of the blossom? Perhaps the ultimate blossom comes from the seed aligning itself with the elements that most support its creation. These might include: a fertile environment, adequate nourishment, and exposure to light. The seed itself does not create the blossom, it aligns with supportive elements and then surrenders to what nature has in store. And when a storm blows through, destroying the very blossom that the seed had cause to turn into... all is not lost. The wilted and battered flower does not cry out "Woe is me! How could I have brought this destruction into my pasture?!!" On the contrary, there is an understanding in nature that all that is created can not be mono-referrent and self-initiated, as it is an interdependent and systemic organism. And that the potential that exists within the seed must have the grace to fit willingly into the larger picture.

Our place in that wholeness is no different than that of the flower. We align ourselves with the elements that bring about: the most fertile dynamics in relationship to our environment... the conscious nourishment of body, heart, and mind... and exposure to as much illumination and brilliance as possible. In doing so, our potential is ignited and creation happens to us and through us. And we learn to accept how each and every twist and turn shapes us into being. We learn to rely, not on the out-picturing of outcomes, but on the sensations that ignite our potential. THAT is creation happening... the stirring within. And we are actively involved (visualizing and connecting to what moves us is useful, and even more so is the courageousness of doing!), yet we are likewise receptive to looking outside of our ideals about what we think should show up in our lives. We welcome the unexpected visitors that offer us perspective and connection to our less superficial yearnings.

And so, today I am releasing my scripts around how I think life should happen next, and I am focusing on creating connection to the elements that feed me. As for a new creation in the aftermath of the storm? Ah, at this time I can honestly say, I have no romantic agendas or prerequisites in mind for the future. I leave my heart open to the SHiNE that leads me to more magnificence than my mind could ever dream possible. Pictures dissolve, and I am free to love purely again.

I trust that I am exactly where I need to be. In fact, I take it step further. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than basking in the light of my own self-discovery.