In recent months, I have been swimming in paradox. It's been a peaceful ride through drastic changes in my day-to-day life. A relationship that brought me closer to my fears in order to overcome them has ended. Our parting was filled with compassion and truth, and left me with a sense of completion and wonder. More love than ever, in this case, means letting go.

Another move (the third in 2008!) across town into a solitary existence for the first time in years has been challenging. Add to that, an epic realization that I am no longer the impassioned movement teacher who moved to Portland five years ago. The teacher in me lives on; however, I am no longer drawn to what I once taught. My relationship with Nia has taken me to where I am today and will always be a part of me... but I no longer have the same urge to teach. Teaching hooping has been a joyous journey of learning and connection... yet the business must continue to evolve with me behind the scenes. I am all at once devastated and relieved to be admitting to what I have known for over a year now. I am transforming into a new kind of teacher... and apparently, what exactly this looks like will not reveal itself until I let go of all that I know.

In a final attempt to revive what-once-was, I taught a couple of events this past month. What happened as a result is not unfamiliar to me... it's an experience I have had in the past when I hold on to a reality when it is no longer serving my highest good. It seems to be my spirit's way of speaking to me when I am not listening.

In this instance, it was a moment of teaching... sensing my body, sharing the experience, weaving cues together in new ways and old, as I have for the past seven years... I felt a part of myself (a part that I identify as my spirit, the witness within) begin to rise up just above my body. It feels similar to some out-of-body experiences that I have read about... only without the woo-woo magic and with a lot more fear! I become immersed in the witness and its vantage point, all the while, I am teaching the class on auto-pilot - without missing a beat. The words flow out, the students respond, and I am suspended slightly above, observing it all. Re-reading this it sounds entirely too mystical... when in actuality, it's far from warm and fuzzy. When it is happening, I feel a surge of anxiety that borders on panic. My sensory perception becomes so heightened that it is almost painful to take it all in... everything amplified - sounds, light, my own emotion. It's like a threshold that I can contain only for so long without going mad. Usually with body awareness, I can recover center once more within a second or two. Anyway, when I tap into this hovering aspect of myself, it always delivers the same message in the end. Something like: I don't want to do this anymore. I've done all I can here. Set me free.

Later, once in-body and out-of-class, I fight back with reason. Come on now! We have invested so much time and energy here. (and yes, it's a "we"). We are good at this and we should keep doing it! This argument is my ego's attempt to reign my spirit in... to get it to sign on for an agenda that is safe and secure. Only, it's not. My spirit plays the trump card when it lifts me out of body. My rational mind is silenced. There is no "reason" for what I am experiencing... and nothing about it feels like what my ego calls "safety."

I was reflecting on this to a dear friend in a moment of sorrow. I told her about a moment of rising above myself teaching on auto-pilot. And the sense of emptiness that I felt while teaching what used to fill my heart with passion. I voiced my frustration and self-judgement ... WHY are things always changing? Why can't I just be great at something and then do it again and again, fulfilled by the service I am offering? Why the need to re-invent myself? Why I am rejecting the status quo yet again? Am I just an ego-maniac looking for a fix that I will never find?!

I could almost feel her smiling on the other end. Then, in a sage moment, she responded and struck a chord of truth that I desperately needed strumming. ... Candice, you are a creator and a seeker. You will never be satisfied doing anything once it becomes auto-pilot. You are just not wired that way. You will always transform and change beyond it because it is in your nature to do so.

Uh, yeah.
It is undeniable and true.

Thanks, Sylvia.

And so, I yield.
I let go, again.

This must be what it feels like to be the dust speck on Horton Hears A Who... floating about in the air, hopeful that some force much larger and unseen will carry it to safety. In a way, I guess it is the SHiNE message at work through me... as we all feel that way from time-to-time, especially when we answer the call from within. In the words of Horton, may we remember: "let that be a lesson to one and to all; a person is a person, no matter how small."

And might I add..
Whomever, however, wherever you might be.
The heart of your SHiNE has the right to be free.

Be you. Embrace who you are to keep the light on.