To be in harmony with the Oneness of things is
to be without anxiety about imperfection.
Zen Master Dogen

I have been thinking a lot about body conditioning. You might think that I am referring to the many actions that we take to bring the physical body to its optimal state of performance. No, today I speak of something closer to my heart. I am in awe of our cultural conditioning and our conditional acceptance of the body as whole, functional, and perfect.

Last night, I stood in front of the mirror and witnessed my ego lash out venemously at my body. All in all, the winter months have been very good to me. I have a beautiful and cozy new home, a loving relationship of renewed balance, and a feeling of contentment I have never known. And, I have gained 10-15 pounds.

Our new home has only a very small mirror in the upstairs bathroom where I shower and primp each day. As a result, I rarely see my full reflection naked. I have certainly noticed the shift in my activity level (a common cycle for me in the cold months, while also a function of some professional shifts). My clothes fit differently, for sure. But I was, nevertheless, a bit shocked when I stood on the bed to catch a glimpse of my new fullness in the mirror above my dresser. Now I don't mean to place value judgments. The truth is, I really do see beauty in many different body shapes and sizes in women all around me. So why is it that the ruler against which I measure myself is so different?!

In 2001, I was miserable in my body. I had been managing a restaurant 60 hours a week for far too long. I was eating poorly, and had little to no physical stamina. I was fed up, and hungry in the spirit. I left my job and moved to Boulder, Colorado. It was there that I stepped into my first Nia class. I was completely hooked from the get-go. For over a year, I did Nia every single day. I couldn't move enough. I obtained my white belt, began teaching, and soon added regular qigong and yoga practice to the mix. I was suddenly addicted to movement and the flow of chi through my body. I was a physical machine.

Naturally, my body changed dramatically. At the height of this athletic phase in my development my body was thin, taunt, and very strong. While this may have been my initial aim, I was oddly unaffected by it. I just wanted to move, plain and simple. The new shape my movement took was just a convenient by-product. I took it completely for granted. It was easy to rarely think about it given that the conditions for my conditional body-love were more ideal at that time than they had every been. My body condition was such that, most of the time, I could conditionally accept it. No problem.

It wasn't until I moved to Oregon that everything changed. Over the past 4 years, life conditions have gradually led to less to less movement. As the Coach in me has become more activated, the Athlete has grown disinterested. For months upon months, I forced myself to teach Nia, even though I feel in my heart I have outgrown it as a teaching practice. In mid-December of 2007, I finally left my regular teaching practice.

In the summer of 2006, when the hoop entered my life, I experienced another burst of the physical. I rode the wave of newness and performance for a time, yet the hooping world - full of amazing individuals whom I love! - is, quite simply, a unique culture that I don't always resonate with as a lifestyle. I have yet to fully find my place in it outside of the classroom. Teaching Hoopdance has given me a new vehicle to explore via the body, yet still, I am called to do it less and less over time.

I am coming to accept that I am teacher above all else. My mediums are likely to shift and change throughout my life, that this I must allow. And so, my body condition has changed with the seasons of my heart.

Ironically, at this new weight, I am more grounded and stable than ever. Eating meat and honoring my body's natural rhythms (no longer pushing it to its edge every day) has been the greatest act of self-love. It has occurred to me that perhaps my ego's ideal body shape is not that which my body and spirit responds to best. At least at this moment in time. And my heart - the mediator between body and mind - is meant to foster the unity of self-acceptance.

I want to reiterate the recommended reading for July 2007, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. I am revisiting it now. It is a beautifully-crafted book that teaches us how to embrace each moment in time with love and gratitude. Read it again and again.

May your most important body condition be acceptance.
Namaste.

This year, I have set an intention to visit various spiritual communities. This past Sunday, Daniel and I attended an offering at Maitripa Institute. The wise and internationally recognized Yangsi Rinpoche led a small group of us in a two-hour Tibetan Buddhist dharma talk and practice. It was lovely. There were around a dozen of us seated on meditation cushions before him and a gorgeous and elaborate altar that spread from one wall to the other.

When he entered, we stood out of respect. The Rinpoche then led us in chanting through three prostrations to the altar. Once he turned to face us, we followed the group (clearly his students) as we offered this respected teacher three more full prostrations. Each time, forehead to earth, we honored him with gratitude. Recognizing some new faces in the crowd, he spoke to this practice first. He explained that the gesture of bowing is meant to place the mind in the state of devotion. While we bow before our teacher, it is not about the personality that we bow before. It is instead to bless he whom to the teaching comes through. I am familiar with prostration as a practice, and feel happy to lay my ego at the feet of another - as long as I trust the guidance he or she may provide. I understand that I may choose to graciously decline any teaching as soon as it no longer serves my highest good. It took me some time, but once I came to know this, I became free to truly receive from others in my practice.

The two-hours that followed consisted of combined prayer and chanting. This interspersed with the Rinpoche's teachings of Tibetan Buddhism. My favorite moments were those in which his face exploded with joy. The many laugh lines appearing on his face at the bloom of a smile is enough to make one who doubts reincarnation a believer. Could one lifetime truly fill so much joy into one smile! Ah well, with a smile like that, there is very certainly much to be learned from this humble monk.

We ended with more chanting. I love the rhythms in Tibetan chanting. Each prayer was like a song. Some in Tibet, others in English... no matter the language, they held a similar resonance.

I recommend Maitripa as a place to experience Buddhist practice in action. Be prepared to sit for long periods of time... and be willing to follow the lead of those around you through practices that might feel somewhat foreign. A beautiful environment to connect with the essence of just one aspect of Tibetan culture. Thanks to places like Maitripa, it will never be lost.

Visit Maitripa online

What is My SHiNE Ministry?
You can view all My SHiNE Ministry entries in the blog archive (see sidebar).

Many of us have a burning desire within us that is hidden. I don't mean a desire of the body world (such as in the acquisition of things). Rather, I mean a way of being that we feel somehow called to. I am making mine known and public now.

Deep within, I consider myself a Minister in the making. A messenger of spiritual matters. One who brings heaven to earth via word, thought, and deed. I aspire to become the Priestess.

For a time, I sought out ways in which to embody this... each resulting in an ill-fit. I explored education: a Masters in Divinity would give me credibility, sure. But am I not interested in being a religious scholar. I thought perhaps I needed to find a religious organization to represent and become ordained through. This, too, confused me as I am a Minister of The Spirit of Many, not any one religion or doctrine of practice. Part of what draws me to represent this spiritual re-education in our culture is the way in which I can always see the brilliance (and overlap) in the many religions out there. How does one minister as a representative of the core essence of all religions? There is only one way that I can see to do so. To walk the talk as best I can.

Over time, I have decided to venture out on a Spiritual Apprenticeship of my own making. In 2008, I will be sharing my journeys with you. I will continue visiting various spiritual circles... I have done this intermittently for the past 4 years since I first moved to Portland. Now I will begin to share my experiences with you. I hope to highlight the aspects of each experience that truly ignite spiritual brilliance in me. By experiencing the gift of each practice, and sharing them with you as a service, I am a Minister in Training.

May 2008 lead me to the fulfillment of a life-long desire. My SHiNE Ministry is born.

You can view all My SHiNE Ministry entries in the blog archive (see sidebar).

January 2008


There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action; and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium. It will be lost.
The world will not have it.

It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, and to keep the channel open.
- Martha Graham

It's easy to judge your brilliance as nothing special...for you can't possibly see it clearly. Imagine asking the sun to see it's own light. What light? How can I separate from what I am enough to see it?

A friend and colleague of mine recently shared with me a practice that she did in school as a child. They called it carrying your ilac card. At the beginning of the day, each student received a card that read: I love and care for myself. As they moved through the rest of their day, they were told to tear away pieces of the card whenever they thought, said, or did something that tore away at their sense of self-love. It proved to be an insightful practice, no doubt. The best part? Each day they would receive a new, untainted card to keep whole again.

When I ponder our culture's collective approach to the new year, it seems to me that we are issued an ilac card each January 1st. As a result, resolutions are defined and courses set for new destinations. Yet, what happens when we slip a bit...when a split-second choice tears away at our resolve? Do we hang our heads in despair?...or do we approach each day with wholeness in our hearts?

This year, I invite you to commit to a year of love, nuturing, and forgiveness. Your very essence is coded to be different than those around you. Discovering a path that works for you is a journey that demands diligence and perserverence. Your goal is not too be perfect...but to purrrfect the choices you make to serve you better over time. In order to do that, you become a deliberate observer. Notice which choices tear away at you time and time again, and reclaim your personal power to SHiNE by loving yourself whole again. It's a simple path - one choice at a time. And help is only a scroll away.

Begin Again... and Again... and Again,
Candice