July 2007 - Book of The Month
Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach, Ph.D.

I am currently reading an insightful book written by Buddhist teacher and scholar, Tara Brach, PhD. It is an compassionate and insightful journey inside the wars we wage within. It is beautifully written, includes supplemental meditations, and is laced with tons of beautiful quotes from teachers of all paths. Tara shares her story as a peek into the discovery of self-acceptance.

Excerpt:

The renowned seventh-century Zen master Seng-tsan taught that true freedom is being "without anxiety about imperfections." This means accepting our human existence and all of life as it is. Imperfection i snot our personal problem - it is a natural part of existing. We all get caught in wants and fears, we all act unconsciously, we all get diseased and deteriorate. When we relax about imperfection, we no longer lose our life moments in the pursuit of being different and in the fear of what is wrong.

D.H. Lawrence described our Western culture as being like a great uprooted tree with its roots in the air. "We are perishing for lack of fulfillment of our greater needs," he wrote, "we are cut off from the great sources of our inward nourishment and renewal." We come alive as we rediscover the truth of our goodness and our natural connectedness to all of life. Our "greater needs" are met in relating lovingly with each other, relating with full presence to each moment, relating to the beauty and pain that is within and around us. As Lawrence said, "We must plant ourselves again in the universe."

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Cimi 8
White Galactic Worldbridger

I Harmonize in order to equalize
Modeling opportunity
I seal the store of Death
With the galactic tone of Integrity
I am guided by the power of Heart

Above is a variation of a tattoo that I wear at my 2nd chakra... as a symbol to remind me of the medicine that I carry in this life. As with all medicine, we must swallow and learn to ingest that which we are meant to share. And such is the path.

It was 2001 when I first learned of my Mayan Signature (the day that I was born according to the mayan calendar). As soon as I read the above poem describing this archetype, I knew that I was onto something. The more I delved into materials, the more I felt that it described my unique experience of life. Cimi 8 was offering me a tangible power that I could use as a quickening in my life's unfolding. I knew immediately that I would apply this symbol to the energetic center that connects me to this world (just below my navel). I chose to ground my purpose into the flesh.

Now that I am walking my path more visibly (through this SHiNE Blog and events to come), I thought I would share my signature with you... including the poem above and the components that make up the lessons that I am here to learn and share.

(You can likewise reflect on your own path by following the links at the bottom of this posting to decode your own signature and learn more about the mayan calendar).

Color: White
Source of Power

WHITE
Purifiers, shine light into darkness, the light of truth.
Will assist in the calibration of others, and grounding.
Truth, clarity, unification, timelessness, order, spirit.*

This is fascinating to me, as I haven't looked at this detail in years. SHiNE, it says. So much of what white is symbolic of speaks to the core of me. At the time that I got my tattoo, I was learning to navigate much of what is described above. I struggled with truth, with clarity... all that. Over the course of the years, Cimi has taught me the liberation that comes from living in the light. Hence, the passionate commitment to brilliance that I share with you and strive to live in my everyday life.

Tone: Galactic
Creative Contribution

GALACTIC
Model Harmonize Integrity
A model for others, & hold high ideals.
Honesty is essential and integrity is a given.
You are very thorough, and a quick expert.*

To me, walking the talk is crucial. Integrity is everything. My life is meant to be a living model for the ideals that I aspire to. So often, I fall short... yet, I will tell you the truth even then. I ask so much of the people that I am in relationship to. It is no wonder that I have such amazing friendships... and that I have yet to find a man and life partner who aspires to such greatness as me. Ah, but I suppose that I have... the Beloved He that I have met walking along my most recent path.

Tribe: Death
Archetypal Essence

DEATH
Equalize, Opportunity, Death
Tranquility and confidence through spiritual strength.
Adept at applying multidimensional solutions.
Transmutation of paradigms, community oriented.*

I remember being on a beach in Playa Del Carmen, not too long after I got my tattoo. A Mayan man passed by me and pointed to my navel exposed. "Death," he said with a smile as he passed by. I was at first quite startled. And then I realized what he meant... the symbol above with the one-eye closed (Cimi) literally means "death." It was then I really knew that bearing such a symbol meant that I must learn to have peace with all the deaths that make up living. And that I must be willing to die a million times over to reveal the ultimate brilliance that is available to be in this life.

Sometimes, I am not even aware of the force of the light of truth that I bring... as it comes through me without invitation. Recently, someone very close to me commented: "I am afraid of the light that you shine on me." I have been thinking... this may be the best description of death that I have ever heard. Death looks with a penetration that can be painful and downright scary! It casts away shadows to reveal the truth (sometimes tucked away in dark corners within) and dissolves them to the light.

It is not me that does this, but the medicine that moves through me. And I have spent my life making peace with it. There have been times when I felt similar fear towards my own inner witness. Yet, in the end, I am so grateful to be able to dissolve who I am into rebirth again... and again... and again... and again...

In truth, I see my path as an ongoing death. Dying in each moment is what living is really all about. Death of the old, invites the new. I challenge myself to celebrate every death, no matter how painful, as it always reveals new light.

Find Out Your Mayan Signature!

A Mayan Signature will give you information about the creative energies that were active on the day that you were born. Consider it a way to decode aspects of your personal brilliance... with much more revealed than in your sun sign. Due to the complexity of the Mayan calendar, there are 260 possible combinations that come together to make up your Mayan Signature. Check it out... I hope it reveals something to you, as it did for me.

Retrieve the poem for your signature:
http://www.tortuga.com/eng/decode/index.php

More info on your signature (like details on your color, tone, and tribe):
http://www.galactichardwarestore.com/signature_intro_decode.htm
(*this site is the source of the above quoted information)

We just completed Day One of the Level One HoopGirl Teacher Training. I am in San Francisco through the weekend for another 3-day intensive, preparing teachers in the HoopGirl Format. This is the fourth training that I have led with Christabel Zamor (HoopGirl Founder). It is such a joy to train teachers to facilitate and guide others. I am ever so grateful to Christabel for inviting me to be the first Master Trainer to work alongside her. We have such a graceful synergy together. It is a testament to collaboration... and the power that comes from combining energies to serve in the best possible way. I look forward to bringing this training to Portland in September of this year.

Although I am passionate about training in this capacity (as the HoopGirl organization is one I believe in), I know that my experiences leading others in this way is destined preparation for SHiNE Seminars to come. I witness myself light up when I have the opportunity to inspire another individual to recognize his or her unique genius. When I notice that sparkle in the eyes... the one that emerges when a trainee realizes that they do have something to offer... that everything needed to reach his or her ultimate potential exists within... when I see that brilliance reflected in their eyes even for a moment, I know that I am living my purpose.

Certainly, my experience as a somatic educator lends itself to training teachers in a movement modality. Yet, in the past six months, it has become very clear that so much of what I bring to the training environment has to do with my passion for the illumination that can be found in seeking out truth. Truth, to me, is shining a loving light on what is there. And what is there may in fact be changing from moment to moment... yet, the truth speaks only to the moment. It says, "this is what is here now." It says, "I dare to shine light on what is here... and use this awareness to transform my reality from this moment forward." In that way, honoring the truth of our experience in each moment IS what makes transformation possible

As a facilitator, I find that telling the truth is a medicinal art to be delivered with purity... the purest aim: to liberate the light within. We can each learn to tell ourselves the truth about who we are... what matters to us... and how we are keeping ourselves from being the most luminous version of ourselves. When we are able to see with this degree of clarity and an open heart, then awareness dissolves fears and freedom is found.

I look forward to moving SHiNE to a place where we can do this work together. Regardless of your medium of self-expression in life, you have the option to live in dim lit awareness... or bask in the glory of truth and illumination.

Truth says, "ah, there is light in here... let us move towards it."

I look forward to offering the first SHiNE Seminar in the coming months so that we can share the journey with one another. Stay tuned... and let me know if you have areas of interest that might inform the creation of the SHiNE seminar programming. What are your interests as it relates to SHiNE? What fears do you want most to overcome as it relates to living a brilliant life? What stops you from doing more of what you love today? I would love to hear from you! Email me with your ideas and insights...

Tonight was the first session in the HoopSHiNE BODY class series. The intention of this new offering is to integrate the various facets of my work. Hoop... an avenue for learning about the nature of energy in and around us. SHiNE... my passion for assisting others in activating their unique genius. And BODY... the vehicle that is our most powerful ally in vesseling our brilliance through this world in which we live.

In short, we learn to use the Hoop - the master teacher of energetic flow - to activate the SHiNE BODY. The SHiNE BODY is a high resonance sensation from which ultimate joy and creativity can emerge.

Tonight our focus was Presence. We established our anchors to ground us in Presence as a sensation. Our physical anchors included breath and the sensation of touch. We used these tools to then harness the mind, tying it to the present via the now moment. I consider the now moment to be the key to unlocking the potential in our hoop practice. The nature of the hoop is that it relies on our connection to now. It is through continual presence with the now (via contact points) that the hoop knows harmony. When we disconnect - and are no longer Present - the hoop lets us know. It falls. And we learn to smile down as we pick up the hoop with a grateful heart. Thank you for reminding me to be present, we say. Your love for me is real.

If only this degree of truth were present in each and every relationship in our lives. What clarity! The good news is... the hoop is here to show you the way to doing just that.

That's why they call it practice.

SHiNE On!

My apologize for the singular focus of late. I have shared much in this blog, as my feminine has been guiding the journey of awakening through a transitioning with another. I have practiced bringing peace, heart space, and understanding to myself and my relationship. And, it seems that recent embodiment of radiant feminine love has caught the interest of someone who sees my potential... who showers me with the potent force of his integrity and commitment to serve my highest good.

Today, I was swept off my feet into the arms of love. I fell into the embrace of a exceptionally powerful lover that sees me as the sacred gift that I am. This Beloved He pulled me close to him with such a force, it took my breath away! His aim, he said... to protect me from myself. I have attracted the masculine love of my dreams... and it comes from within. It is a love that dares my divine feminine to accept nothing less than its equal. The Beloved She within me (radiant love) has met, enchanted, and wed The Beloved He within me (trusted direction). I am the child reborn of their union.

It happened when I caught myself - quite literally - looking around the space of my life, once again asking the question: Why am I not being cherished and honored as the sacred gift that I am?

I know that our physical world is but a reflection of our inner reality. And so... I turned the mirror inward. I called a dear friend by phone who always delivers the truth. This elder woman was a tour guide on a journey within my own energetic field and its recent consequences. The results of my recent actions was undeniable. I have spent tremendous energy taking care of my partner, of the relationship, and of outer circumstances. Yet who was taking care of me?

It was then that a masculine force within swept me up in a proclamation:
"It is you who does not honor your beauty. It is you who must cherish you. It is you that must enter a sacred covenant without exception. And it is I who will show you how."

The Beloved He immediately began to guide me from within to take steps to nurture myself... drawing healthy boundaries around my body, my heart, and my physical space. With commitment and diligent understanding, He stands nearby as I tenderly landscape the perimeters of the sacred temple that is me. I am choosing to entertain thoughts, actions, and relationships that greet my heart with reverence. And through the gates of my self-love, only energies that meet the highest standards of love shall pass.

Thank you to Kali Rose for an illuminating reading today that shed light on my path. Thank you to Gail - my soul sister of truth - who reminded me what it is to love myself through my choices. And thank you to The Beloved He who embraced me with the force of the love that I deserve, so that I might claim it now.

Dialogues with Brilliance - My Own
How I Became A SHiNE Coach

For years I have been carrying on conversations with a voice that speaks through me. Inspired by the courageous wonder of inspired writers such as Neale Donald Walsh, I dared one day to use my journal to ask a Higher Voice for answers. Since then, guidance arrives with greater and greater clarity. Now it is quite effortless to connect to insights in this way. I only need begin the dialogue, and something else takes over.

And so my method of prayer is in written meditation. I sit quietly with my journal and spill forth. At times, I ask specifically for guidance. Other times I am interrupted by it. My pen then moves across the page, carrying a wisdom that far exceeds my own. Over the years, insights revealed in these exchanges have brought me tremendous clarity in times of crisis... complete peace in the midst of total chaos... and the light of hope in the black holes of depression. And the availability of this voice is without condition. It responds equally to cries of joyous passion and moments of bitter desperation.

It is an experience that I have kept private until about a year ago when I shared it in a close circle of friends. Part of the secrecy is that I didn't want my experience to be misconstrued as some mystical, out-of-body experience. To say that, through pen and paper, I have access to information outside of my own knowing - as if from a voice that is not my own - it may sound like I claim to be hosting a channelled entity. Perhaps it is of me, perhaps not. I may never know for sure. Yet, when it happens, my mind and body are in a total state of me-ness. I am not overtaken by anything but a Silence that reveals one word after the next in a seamless flow of perfect insight. I am very much present when this clarity emerges. It's like talking to a trusted guide from within who is able to deliver the truth of the moment without hesitation.

In fact, I learned HOW to become an agent of inspiration (a life coach passionate about bringing out the brilliance in others) through these dialogues. This objective, yet heart-centered and loving voice is a trusted vehicle for each and every interaction that I have with a client. And more and more in my practice, I work in conjunction with this Inner SHiNE Agent to deliver insights when I could not possibly manufacture them in the moment.

I know the most powerful medicine is emerging when I open my mouth to speak, having no idea what I am about to say. This is why I am the student and the guide. SHiNE teaches me, through me. Often, the words I hear come forth as I speak to others are exactly the perspective that I have been needing in my own life. My own hunger is satiated through guiding others.

Dialogues with Brilliance - Yours
Becoming Your Own SHiNE Coach

It is my belief that we all have access to brilliant wisdom from within, at all times. So why don't so many of us hear it? I see two things that act as a buffer to detecting the sound of this voice from within:

One obstacle is the belief that an omniscient force could not possibly interact with us so intimately. Regardless of your spiritual or religious beliefs, I invite you to entertain the idea that you are worth talking to - it's just a matter of how you frame it. If you feel lost and you ask a question that seems so far out of the scope of your understanding, and suddenly the insight emerges from thin air (onto paper or into your heart)... that is brilliance showing itself to you. So what is happening?... From where does this illumination emerge? Is a literal force - we might call it "God" - speaking through you? Is it a Spirit Guide or other force outside you that you are hearing? Is it you, your Higher Self, offering dictation? Or is it just your own mind playing tricks on you, in an effort to make you feel better?

I say... who really cares?! DO you feel better? ARE you more inspired to move through life with a more positive and constructive attitude as a result of these insights? Then, go for it. Why should a healthy dose of skepticism (or the fact that you aren't sure why or how it's happening) keep you from benefiting? You can call it divine guidance... you can call it your hidden genius ... or you can call your therapist! Just realize that you don't have to know how it works to put it to good use.

The second obstacle to hearing is not listening! In order to listen, we simply must be quiet enough to hear. The mind can be over-active, especially in times of confusion or depression. The ability to pause in the potent space of Silence can be the key to receiving insight. Stilling the inner dialogue long enough to penetrate the space just beneath it. This takes practice. I personally find writing a powerful means to the development of silence within. Spilling the energy that bounces around the mind can be just the liberation that is needed to create space for greater insights.

Another method is awakening the senses. Often your Inner Wisdom will speak to you through your environment and/or relationships with others. Are you paying attention? Did you see the book calling out to you to read it? Did you sign up for the class? Did you take the walk in the forest and listen to the trees and the message that they have for you?... The avenues through which illumination can travel are infinite.

Begin The Dialogue Now
Journaling for Illumination

Practice with me. Take out a piece of paper now. Ask the questions that you most long to know the answers to... and dictate the unexpected reply. Purge the pain that you most desire to be free of... and be soothed by the light of perspective that lies just beneath. Be patient if the voice isn't ready. It will come, when you are ready and able to receive its gifts.

I will begin to share some of these dialogues with you throughout this blog. Keep in mind, I have spent much time investing in private communion with this voice prior to revealing it. I suggest that you do the same... get to know your own Inner Wisdom intimately before sharing it with others. Intimacy lends to potency in any relationship.

Examples to serve as inspiration coming soon. Stay tuned!

Needing The One

My Love and I came together in a hungriness. We spent one fateful day together intoxicated by the idea of one another. As soon as our eyes locked we were staring at a vision of a life together. Only a day later, words of promise were implied in bold statements: "finally I found you"... "you are The One that I have been waiting for". The sudden buzz of such encounters left us both smitten and certain that we were the luckiest two people on the planet. In short, we were immediately convinced that the sensation of our own divinity (our SHiNE) simply had to be invested in one another... for that was what finding The One meant, right?

Now I am not one to entertain such musings lightly. I caution my clients to take care not to confuse the true Source of illumination with the vehicle through which it presents itself. Yet, I was a romatically-inclined woman hungry for connection. It had been three years since my last relationship. I knew in my heart that I wanted (and could have) a love of such depth and intensity as to spend a life together; nevertheless, I had no idea what that might look like in its healthiest form. My time spent in solitude was a preparation of sorts - undoing old ways of being with the determination to do relationship differently next time. I had even created a vision (on paper) of who I thought this man whom I would devote my heart to might be like. When he showed up, I was immediately sold by an energetic resume that aligned with my idea of the him-ness that would best suit me.

Not to mention, his words were intoxicating. I was his destiny! I was enamored by the idea that someone could feel such things about me. In my expressions of fear (that I wasn't sure I could say the same of him yet), he became ever-more confident in our union. He would meet my fears with the light touch of his conviction... and I would become immediately his again. As Deida put it so eloquently (see Part 1): "[his] adoration and neediness assuaged my fear and buoyed my self-sense." And, in turn, "my insecurity and neediness made [him] feel more secure in [his] ownership of [me]." At times, I was acutely aware of this dynamic. Yet even when I felt concern that our destined union was slightly laced with co-dependent landmines, I pushed it aside as fear of commitment. I was needed... and so I gave more of myself to us.

In essence, I see I was inadvertently attempting to realize my self-worth through another.

No Longer Needing The One

So I entered whole-heartedly... or so I thought. In truth, I was in a state of hopeful cynicism at best. I always felt there was a suspicious energy continually lurking in the shadows. As if somehow we were setting ourselves up for its unexpected emergence.

That inevitable revelation came in a painful realization...
We were not an energy invincible.

We shared more and more of our lives with one another, and eventually fell into a mundane existence where the intoxication that once unified us gave way to sobriety. And in the most unexpected turn of events, I suddenly discovered that my Love had drifted away from me towards the intoxicating Love of another. And, due to the impossible expectations that we had placed upon one other, we were unable to survive. For to believe that someone is The One for whom your love is destined is to believe that it could not possibly have cause to venture elsewhere. And so when that love leaks out - and there is a new source of fixation - inevitable confusion arises for all parties involved. The lovers are left wondering, "Could I be mistaken that he/she/the other is The One?"

I suppose it all depends on how we define The One. When we no longer feel the urgent and intoxicating NEED for someone... could they still be The One to whom our heart is called? When the hunger is no longer what is urging our heart towards communion, what else are we left with?

Love.

Love ultimately reveals The One to us. When all that I need from you dissolves into all that I have to offer in love with you... ultimate expression of Oneness is found. For it may in fact be that needing someone is just the opposite of loving them.


Loving The One

For me, I have determined that The One is a choice - a set of actions that say... now that I no longer need you, I choose to love you. And Love of The One says, I will love you even in this.

I have discovered - as this relationship is ending - that even in the face of a future that looks nothing like ever-after, I can only know The One in the moment. And so, he is The One. He is The One who will prepare my heart in redefining One-ness forever.

Thus...
The One is He whom my heart is open to without need to be filled...
And The One whom I love even when he no longer needs me to.

I am committed to treating this relationship with a new reverence. We once worshipped one another as The One (for the sense of promise we offered). Now, even in our pending separation, I still choose to worship my lover as The One... until death do us part. The One whom my heart is devoted to in loving... no longer in needing. And in surrendering my need, I can witness our death (be it on the horizon) without the hunger to salvage what I cannot in good faith make right on my own.

I don't need to. For The One happens through me... and another one will reveal himself to me. And I will say with confidence and conviction, "You are The One - for at the moment that needing dissolves into loving, true Oneness is found."

In the midst of making love, she began to speak to me. "I love you. I am yours forever. Nothing can break us apart." In that moment, it was true. We were love, and we were forever. Nothing could break us apart, since we were as one. But I could also feel her emotional need. I could feel her desire for security creeping in around the edges. Her confession was true enough, but it was tinged by hope. And beneath the hope of forever, lurked the fear of loss - in her and in me.

I wanted so badly to wallow in her confession of love. I wanted to feel that she was mine. That she had given herself to me for good. And, although this was true enough in the moment, similar things had been spoken before, and forever didn't last. As a confession of love in the moment, it was true and beautiful. But as a hope, it was a lie. We did not own each other, and never would. Our loving was as fragile as our personal fears were strong. it would take only a hurtful moment of emotional collapse and we would be broken apart. Maybe just for a few hours or days. Maybe for good.

In that moment of our lovemaking I could feel both truths. The truth that we had given ourselves to each other as a love eternal. And also the truth that we could leave each other in any moment, due to emotional closure or meeting a better intimate partner, in the inevitable event of death, or simply because we were distracted by a fresh piece of ass or chocolate cake.

Surrendering to the truth of our love was blissful. Mixed in with that love, though, was the need to assure ourselves that it would last. True love was mixed with fear. Looking into her eyes and feeling into her body, I began to sense that we were drifting more toward the need for security. We were beginning to grasp onto the emotional need for feeling love, that than surrendering into the open gesture of being and giving love.

I practiced to recognize my own need for her, and, to the best of my ability, I felt through my neediness. Even though a part of me wanted to own her forever, this part of me was really formed by fear. Her adoration and neediness assuaged my fear and buoyed my self-sense. Her insecurity and neediness made me feel more secure in my ownership of her. This dynamic wasn't love - it was emotional bondage.

By recognizing and feeling through this neediness, even as we were both beginning to slide into it, I rediscovered, magnified, and surrendered to the force of real love. Without saying a word, my authentic presence in love began to resonate her from sentimental need to deep-hearted devotion.

Her devotion was not to me as a separate person but to the love that we opened ourselves to through our relationship. Our attention shifted from the hope of a future together to the present depth of love that is always the truth of our very being, intuited in our deep heart.

- David Deida, Finding God Through Sex

Had I read this even three weeks ago, it would have seemed insightful yet of minimal relevance to my life. Now it resonates as a tone at the very heart of me as a woman in a loving relationship without hope for a future.

I am now an alchemist in love. I am learning, through practice, to transform neediness into loving communion. I now drink from a shared altar of physical communion where I am offering love for the sake of giving it... no longer invested in who or what might be in it for me.

My heart is being lovingly stripped of a habitual seductions born of adolescence... the seduction to offer (or withhold) sex, as if it is a commodity in relationship. Instead I am learning to gift myself the purity of loving (and love-making)... without the hidden agendas and need to control.

I am embodying what it is to love unconditionally.
I am learning to give love without need for it.
I am learning to receive love without need of me in return.

From time-to-time, old habits surface. The desire to punish - or withhold love - pushes its way to the forefront of my psyche. My heart plays the part of the victim. And then the illumination returns to me... ever-brighter:

I am love discovering itself. Through the loss of love as a promise, I have encounters with love as unconditional. I can lose myself in love by becoming attached to it. Or, I can loose myself in love by becoming an expression of its bounty.

July 2007


This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness.
Some momentary awareness
comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!...

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond

- Rumi

The past month has been rich with opportunities for me. Aspects of my life have been plucked up by the root, tearing into the soils of my heart and mind. Yet my practice is gratitude. I have learned what it is to truly navigate the path that I preach. I am experiencing pain without strife... separation without judgment... and the abyss of the unknown without fear. I have been guided indeed... to bear witness to how far I have come, and to spiral ever-higher in my awareness and abilities to be present and loving.

I want to thank each one of you whom has been a witness to me - as I have shared much of my personal journey on The SHiNE Blog in hopes that my daily illuminations might shed some light on your path. Remember, you can set up RSS Feed to any blog, to stay up-to-date on postings that inspire and inform.

May your summer be filled with the brilliance that feeds you on every level. Please contact me if you feel called to SHiNE among others, or in a one-on-one coaching session.

I am pleased to announce that I will be bringing back the Sensation Matters focus group (aka: A SHiNE Circle), Thursday evenings mid-August. This is an opportunity for you to experience the power of spirit-based group coaching to activate your brilliance this fall. Hope to see you!

SHiNE On,
Candice