It's been less than three hours since my last post. Nevertheless, I feel called to reach out once again. It was as if writing about The Beloved immediately penetrated my heart... blasting me apart with Its force.

I felt grounded and composed after I wrote. Yet only minutes later, while in the shower, I was suddenly bombarded by a surge of energy in my body. My mind was having its way with me, taking me on many unhealthy journeys of the imagination. Suddenly, I was emotionally charged... not feeling too good, mind you. I got out of the shower, only to realize that I was quite late for an appointment with my herbalist and healer.

I rushed out of the house... wet-headed and anxious... to meet him. When I arrived, I was in an overwhelming state of suffering. The Beloved had indeed entered my heart... and in doing so it pushed emotional buffers to the surface. It was forced surrender... I was miserable in my vulnerability... raw and humble with an open wound visible for all to see. And this kind and compassionate man... Kyle Cline, who is a healer in every sense of the word... took my pulse, noted the tension, then held space for my release. His primary prescription... a hug.

I cried. I sobbed. And I choked on my own breath. I purged the emotion that strangled me... and tore down a stoic facade. I felt healing happen. He kept telling me how great I was doing... and reminding me of who I am.

He didn't allow me to stuff it. When I thought I was done, he would look into my eyes... and invite the truth. It still hurt, and I needed to cry through to the other side of the pain.

And only ten minutes later, Kyle checked my pulses... and my heartbeat had found its peaceful flow once more. ALL of this... the bounty of release... I am grateful for. The dams that burst forth inside my heart were there to hold in the pain. The Beloved had entered and blew them down as though they were just a measureless piece of the wind itself. (And it was my willingness to let the breezes whip through without the need to personalize or understand that enabled true release to happen. For how can we release something that we are holding onto via a story within?)

I share all of this as a reminder to us all. When The Beloved is invited, It enters. It will do what is needed to liberate the heart that longs for Its undivided attention.

And so at times, illumination can feel like a light so piercing that it brings us to our knees, wincing in pain. Nevertheless, when our eyes do eventually re-adjust to the light, we look around to find ourself resting in the center - just as the little "i" relates to unleashing SHiNE - and the pain is remembered as a flood of grace that left the landscapes of our heart ever-changed.

Through releasing my pain, I am washed clean.

I write to you in a moment of naked atonement (at-one-ment)... a moment of forgiving myself for the feelings of jealousy and insecurity that seduced a a suddenly barren heart into delusion.

In his book, Intimate Communion, David Deida calls it The Him-Shaped Void. It is the imprint left in the heart of a woman, reflecting the shape of the last one with whom she shared the union of her open heart and body.

It explains so much. It explains why, even when we know that the choice to separate from a relationship is the best thing for us, a part of us still hangs on defiantly. The heart cries, out... "give me the him-ness" to fill that space inside that yearns to be full again.

It took me years of defiance to realize that to love another with an open heart is not weakness at all. It is simply the heart of me seeking to partner in its strength and brilliance... and nature's way of making sure that I have intimacy in my life. And intimacy (in-to-me-see) is the mirror of truth; that is if we choose to look ourselves square in the face.

As life shifts, and the Him-Shape Void becomes apparent, we are vulnerable in the best possible way. There is a door open to another energy that can engulf us in a way that an imprint cannot match... the energy of The Beloved. Who is the beloved? Is it that perfect lover whom will ignite us to the core? Some might say yes. Although, I prefer to believe that our lover is a carefully-chosen companion in a unified mission... reaching out to reveal The Beloved as it can be experienced in the flesh.

I speak of The Beloved as it is viewed in Sufism - the Ultimate Beloved. It is when we approach union on a grander scale. We seek not to fall in love (and be filled with love) but to fall in love with Love as that space in which we are the filler. It envelopes us, and we spend our lives (in and out of relationships) learning how to let Love move in, as, and through us.

"The Beloved is all, the lover just a veil.
The Beloved is living, the lover a dead thing.
If Love witholds its strengthening care,
The lover is left like a bird without wings.
How will I be awake and aware
If the light of the Beloved is absent?
Love wills that this Word be brought forth.
If you find the mirror of the heart dull,
The rust has not been cleared from its face."
.........Rumi (Mathnawi Book 1, 34)

In my recent experience, The Him-Shape Void adapts upon becoming vacated. The lover is given the blessed gift of being left alone to create a miracle within her own heart. She uses emptiness as a welcome contrast to connect to an abyss-like rapture always available to her. She is penetrated by a force that exceeds the potentials of the flesh. She is occupied by The Beloved - by Love Itself.

From here, yes... this is the place from which I want to love. I hereby profess my love for The Beloved and immerse my heart in its spaciousness. I am swallowed whole by Love, and revealed completely vulnerable. I am not vulnerable to the actions and choices of others (which I cannot control). I am instead vulnerable in my total surrender to The Beloved's sacred commitment to me... When your heart growls with hunger, it is then that I am there. Find me by sending Love forth, pushing It through the resistance to unleash My Presence unto you.

Does this mean that I am to be without lovers in the flesh? Oh, certainly it does not. It means that I do my best to create an atmosphere in and around my heart that seeks not the fullness of another... but one that reflects the bounty of us both. I become a mirror of the most-infinite and most-pure depths by entering the covenant of The Beloved. I then offer that bounty to the lover of my choice.

I want to participate in the Highest Love. My horoscope this week reads: "Always focus more intensely on the pleasure of giving the beautiful love you have to offer than on your hunger for the love you have always wanted to get."

The Beloved impregnates my heart so that I am no longer hungry. My feast is found within.

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation."
Kahlil Gibran

As a facilitator of brilliance in others, I have found that sharing my path is always relevant. For a time I thought that I must keep my reality under lock and key... not revealing my personal journey publicly. To do so would mean certain vulnerability. Through my work unleashing my own SHiNE, I have realized that hiding is a narcissistic pursuit, and a presumption that I must be kept safe from potential humiliation.

Humiliation... perhaps it's really nothing to fear at all.

Humility is among the most powerful allies on my journey. And my process of self-discovery IS the medicine that I am meant to dispense. (I believe the same is true for you.) So to bare my soul's deepest yearnings and vulnerabilities is to walk the path of brilliance for me.

The image above so perfectly reflects the space of my heart right now. A tearing open to reveal new light... and the insights born of death. The most intimate relationship in my life to-date is ending. My lover/companion and I shared a short-lived but deeply-felt love for one another. And as I write, we currently share a home, a bed, and a life together. Nevertheless, we have been initiated by circumstance to let one another go...

It has been a tremendous blessing to love... and to lose. I welcome the pain, for beneath it lies the potential for more joy. Perhaps it is not that the heart breaks when love is threatened, but instead that it breaks open... revealing blessings and truths that can be used to transform the ways in which we love ourselves and one another.

If indeed our partnerships in life act as Divine Mirrors so that we might see ourselves better, may we be willing to stare the truth in the face with fearless curiosity. May we see how we are reflected in the choices of those whom reside in and around our heart. And may we seize the power to love under any circumstance.

What brought an end to my relationship was painful to be sure; yet, I know better than to cast myself a victim in a drama that I helped to create. And I am learning to let go of self-righteous towards what I perceive to be the mistakes of others. I receive the love that I am ready for in each moment... and anything less, well, I must look within to find the strength to reflect love where it is lacking.

For the past ten days, I have felt the pain of a broken heart. Ironically, the Love that I now offer - ever since pain tore into me - is an enlightened evolution of the love that I thought was sufficient up until now. I am cracked wider than ever before, and I am filled with gratitude for the pain that burrowed into the core of my potential. I now have the opportunity to love in a manner that transcends personal gain, self-gratification, and attachment to outcome... or even hope of reciprocity.

This recent journey is teaching me what it is to bask in the brilliance of the Feminine. In moments of weakness I discover the Strength and Power of what it is to be a woman. I take my heart that has been broken... blasted wide open... and I treat it as an altar. Each day, my practice is to embrace humiliation (the brilliant gift of forced humility) and prostrate repeatedly before my tender, open heart. And it speaks back to me in a message of grace, like a whisper within...

She says to me...

"Neither hunger for love nor withhold your own.
My sweet, dare to be love itself!"

Thanks for bearing my heart witness.

Yours Bursting Open,
Candice

kNew eyes
In a posting entitled; Dreaming With Eyes Open, I shared a recurrent dream that I have been having recently. One where I am stuck inside of a dream... yet conscious and aware of my sleeping state. Wide awake in my subconscious, yet my eyes locked shut to the world around me. I struggle to open my eyes, and they will not obey. I have to wait in the darkness until they say it's time. Upon reflecting on this dream, I have waited to know what it is that I have my eyes closed to. What reality am I not willing to see?

My eyes are finally opening to the light.

You see, this weekend, I experienced a death. Not a death of the literal sense, but a death to a belief, a way of seeing, and a subsequent reality. There was a moment when life delivered me a message that shook me... quite literally. An aspect of my existence that I had begun to take for granted dissolved before my eyes in only a moment. And everything was seen to through knew eyes.

When I received the revelation of a knew and unexpected truth, I became immediately aware that I was experiencing something that conflicted with everything that I had constructed as true in my body and mind. I witnessed as my mental and emotional grids began to break down, and my body shook with a cellular fever. I was asked in a moment to accept something that led to the immediate deconstruction of a set of beliefs, and subsequent reality. And as such, my body (my molecular reality) was experiencing a quickening. It had to catch up. As my body assimilated the news it shook uncontrollably. And my mind immediately began to do its job... rebuilding structures to support this knewness... and, due to the sheer scope of the job, it became awkwardly stuck in its inability to restore balance so quickly. As a result, the wisdom of my being took over and shock kicked in... protecting me from processing, and leaving my energy body free to work in its own time.

The details of the drama that led to this transmutation within are unimportant. It is the lesson of any healing crisis is to experience a reality devastated. If the knew reality is sickness... health is the reality that has been devastated. If the knew reality is divorce... the reality of companionship is dissolving. Whatever the case, the body-mind is challenged in all that it holds true.

What fascinates me is the ease that emerges in the face of trauma when a reality is allowed to dissolve, without the added stress to the body and mind to reinvent itself in that instance. In short, destruction is allowed, unfettered by the need to create anew in that moment. The only reality that is known is that in the moment. I have found in the past week when I allow the moment to be the only foundation of my knowing... my being can recreate itself again and again, gracefully in each moment. And the ego attachment to the dramas of devastation no longer rein over the situation.

The Spider Mind
What also comes up for me is the vulnerability of what the mind learns to lean one. Belief is a series of thoughts that create a mental grid... a web that the mind can stick things to. But what happens when a knew reality emerges. One that busts through and deconstructs the grid - much like inadvertantly walking through the tedious artfulness of the spider's web. The grid that was once strong enough to hold on (conveniently bridging the past to the present)... is suddenly revealed in its vulnerability with forcefulness. Like the spider's web, our mental grids (or realities) have the strength to brave a swift and easy breeze. Yet when a strong wind sweeps through, the web is deconstructed immediately. And yet what do our spider-minds typically do? Their job. They learn to weave again. The mind does anything in its power to gather up new thoughts and beliefs that fit together well enough to recreate an equally vulnerable reality.

And that spider-mind creation... a knew reality... it reverberates to bring things into being. When a spider weaves its web, it waits for prey to attach to it. This attachment (or catch) creates a vibration that the spider learns to recognize. Each catch feeds the spider to generate more web space in the future. The mind is similar in some regards. When a thought resonates with a reality that we have already constructed, it sticks in our mind and creates a vibration. Each vibration feeds that grid of belief... and, as a result, a reality is trusted as it is confirmed through experience. The trouble is, the mind preys on that which will cause the grid to vibrate, affirming itself.

Thoughts such as "I am not enough."... "No one will love me"... or "I don't believe I can do it" work together to create the grid of not being worthy. The mind seeks to feed that grid, preying on perspectives that will stick to the construct. Thus, experiences, people, and circumstances that support thinking in such a way are attracted. And - more often than not - an otherwise neutral reality is tainted by the lens of the mental grids already in place.

So how do we see more clearly?
We make peace with the mind by becoming clear about its unique brilliance as well as where it falls short. Let us be clear that peace of mind is not defined as passive acceptance, inaction, or inertia. Peace is a dynamic process. Peace, as Mahatma Gandhi taught us, is proactive and diligent in its integrity. Peace of mind is a non-violent way of bearing witness, one where we neither accept the status quo passively nor aggressively fight against it.

Letting kNew Light In
Oftentimes, when a way of thinking and being in our world needs to shift, we miss the subtle cues. We get stuck dancing frantically with our shadows, ignoring the light at our backs. In such cases, unhealthy grids are functioning in our lives, but in our unawareness we don't see them until they are destroyed by the sheer force of sudden change, forcing us to turn around (aka: turn within) and take notice. At that moment we can see the grid with brilliance and clarity. That is, if we are willing.

The infinite SHiNE of our spirit is like a sun that is constant shedding an endless and accessible source of awareness from deep within. And I know from experience, when we are not able to connect to that light, it WILL one day connect to us. Like the Earth turning on its axis, the passage of time will operate in such a way that our grids will inevitably be revealed to us. The real question is, are we willing to allow the light to dissolve webs of what was once knew?

I am honored by my recent challenges, as I have been dared by my circumstances to discover the peace of the Unknown... and the glory of SHiNE. SHiNE is a choice to connect to brilliance no matter what... and as a sensation, it can only be found in the moment. Now that is true knowledge, if you ask me.

On Sunday, I had the extreme pleasure of attending a workshop with Jonathon Baxter. He is a hooper who has taken his teaching to a place that far transcends the medium. I am so drawn to the work he calls The Hoop Path as it reaches in and touches the warrior within my body and soul.

Attending this event illuminated something within my heart and mind. I have been feeling a sense of ambivalence towards my teaching in the hoop recently. There is so much that I love about sharing the joy of the hoop with others; yet, I have felt a hunger inside of me to approach the work from a more conscious place. To truly begin to share how hoopdance can be about so much more than hoop tricks and self-expression. The hoop is a messenger of so much wisdom. It teaches me about what it is to be in relationship, how yin and yang merge to create harmony, and the rare of gifts of truth and humility found each time the hoop falls. Hooping is a practice. I know this... and Baxter helped me to remember that it is possible to share this work from a deeper place.

And so, I am ever-more inspired to co-create and develop HoopSHiNE BODY with the community of hoopers in Portland. So much is unknown about this class series, coming up July 9th. Nevertheless, I am committed to creating a space where each hooper walks away a visceral experience of the harmony and wisdom that the hoop imparts... in the body, and in relationship to self.

More on this as the vision develops...

If you don't know already, there is this amazing technology called: RSS feed. 
You can go to any blog online and make it a part of your everyday. 

If you are interested, here's how to do it...

Activating RSS Feed:

1) Go to the blog of your choice. For example, mine can be found at: 
http://www.candiceschutter.com/blog/blog.html If you are reading this, you are likely there already.

2) Look up in the navigation box, to the right of the web address. You will see a blue box that says: "RSS". Click on it.

3) This will pull up a summary page for the blog. Add that page to your bookmark toolbar. 

From that point forward, you will see a notification on your toolbar each time there is a new posting. 
ie: my blog bookmark would read "SHiNE Blog"... and would show up as: "SHiNE Blog (1)" in the event of a new posting. It works like an blog inbox on your home page! Upon the suggestion of a technically-savvy friend, I now have a folder called "RSS"... with contains bookmarks for a variety of sites that I enjoy reading blog postings for. The folder tells me when there are any new postings on my favorite blogs.

That's it. Just wanted to let you all it on it. 
And I would love to hear from you whenever you feel moved to comment.

If you don't have a blog of your own... consider it! It's a wonderful way to take your journaling to the next level... and dare to shine your brilliance to a broader audience.

Thanks for peeking into my world,
Candice

Tonight I danced in the shadows....

The details of the interaction that led up to it are unimportant... as always, the story only serves to reveal the inner dramas still stirring. An interaction triggered a subtle darkness within... and the inner dialogue which slow crept forth led me to tears. And to an unexpected late night communion.

I am grateful for fear. It is a rare friend in that it alone has the power to bring me to my knees. Quite literally.
Tonight it brought me to my knees in thePortal... first in despair... then in prayer... and finally I kneel in truth through these words in service to you.

You see, I teach in order to learn. I have found that there is no greater motivation for teaching than self-inquiry. Most of the things that come forth through me I do not claim to be a master of. Far from it. I receive through the voice that is mine so that I might learn to listen. Live your brilliance, I say to those around me. Trust in your unique genius... and in its inherent grace. Embrace humility courageously - enough to surrender your path while you SHiNE your light boldly forth... knowing that you are but a vessel for the evolution of a species...

All these things I say to you.
Yet still, I am afraid.
And the louder my voice gets, the more afraid I become of the message that screams from my every cell.

SHiNE teaches me too. This could be more accurately said:
SHiNE teaches me to.
(Read that closely. It's a small, but deeply relevant distinction in language.)

I have many inspirations throughout each day that I could share with you as blog postings. Yet, I find any excuse not to. This or that idea is too undeveloped... those old journal entries are too much to mess with... there is not time in the day... or, sometimes my excuse is immediately transparent with truth: what if I have no idea what I am talking about... what then? It's better not to take such a chance, yes?

You see, but none of this is about the value of my blog postings, the book I want to write, or any objective I might point to. It's about me believing in myself. It's about knowing that, in the end, my choice to share my brilliance (aka: my way of being in the world) has nothing to do with being good enough for you, for me, or for anyone else. It has everything to do with latching on to the inspirations that strike my heart and mind and riding them to a place that transcends the good opinion of others. How can it be authentic and pure when it is first weighed on the scales of who will and will not agree... like it... or pay good money? Not the point, you see. All brilliance exists in order to shed light so that others might see better. What they feel about what they do or do not see is not the point of the light that we shine... we share perspectives not to seek validation, but in order that we all might become more clear. And we learn to be okay with the fact that clarity has infinite interpretations.

And so as I rested on the earth in prostration tonight, I realized via my body's choice of posture... SHiNE is a way of being that invites communion at the innermost altar. It is being and doing in a manner that confirms the true expression of who I really am in my highest expression of self... that which I source from within. To truly live with such a passion for self-integrity at all costs requires courage. And courage means moving forward in spite of fear. Movement must exist... and movement along the path of self-actualization causes fear to rise to the surface, revealing more of me. In this way, fear becomes an ally to let us know that we are honoring the nudge from within. In fact, fear should never be hidden. It is meant to be called by name and dispelled through action. I believe that fear is just a buffer that exists between unexpressed brilliance and the outside world. And thus, it must move in order that you might do the same.

And so tonight, I make peace. I am grateful for my fear... as it always leads to the shadowy spaces within.

And those shadows... seductive in their story-telling though they might seem... well, they are nothing more than a signal that there is light present somewhere nearby. You only need shift your gaze slightly to see that which stands between the brilliance and that darkness reflected on the other side. What is in the way of the light is you... it is only ever you. And that's the good news. Ah yes, that is very good news indeed.

Today was the first day of Daniel's Taiji/Qigong series here at thePortal. It was such a joy for me to see him - my soul partner and day-to-day companion - sharing his brilliance with us. His teaching style is so different from my own, offering me an avenue to grow and observe a new way of facilitation that I have much to learn from.

It has been over three years since I studied an energy art. There was a time when I practiced qigong daily... and I had a reservoir of power inside of me that supported me in all else. It was an ideal combination. I didn't realize at the time that my Nia practice was rooted by my study of martial arts and inner traditions.

Even when I walked away from my energy practice, the power that I had cultivated stayed with me for a good year or so before I noticed a slowly developing shift in my way of being. Suddenly, I suffered from a paradox of desire. I yearned for stillness more and more; yet my body craved movement when it went without. The dancer in me waged a war with the subtle intelligence of my spirit that said something about what I was doing was not grounded and nurturing to my longevity. I did what I could to bring the purity of the principles and foundations of all that I had learned into my Nia practice... and was successful in some regards. Nevertheless, an emptiness still began to develop within. Most notably, my roots became noticeably more shallow over time. I lost center more often... and my mind began to reign over my reality again, returned to something resembling its once unbroken state.

I managed all of these things using the tools I developed in my path through Nia - the principles and practice of my belts offered me numerous tactics to work with these shifts. Nevertheless, it seems that having too many tools to call upon can easily become a liability.

I did my best and became very strong in Nia as a lifestyle practice. And when my body continued to send me these mixed energetic messages, I ignored them. That is, until I ended up in the emergency room.

Suddenly, I was forced to listen to the emptiness of my well. It echoed with hunger. And so, I must fill it once more. Hence, my choice to reintroducing the potency and richness of Qigong back into my life. And as if by divine intervention, I have been simultaneously paired with a partner who is wealthy in the ways of abundant waters.

One of the things that I have learned from observing Daniel (I say observing as his way of teaching is in his way of being and is much less overt than my own) is his ability to take a vast amount knowledge and distill it down to the wisdom at its very core. I realize after taking class with him today that this comes from his years of experience with the eastern arts... this is at the heart of these traditions that go back before modern man measured time and compared truths.

As an example: Today during class, I asked a simple question regarding hand placement in a movement that we were doing as a group. I said something to the effect of, "should my palm always be up when doing such and such?"

"Never always," he said. (His response, in two words, said more than I often say in a three-minute monologue.) From there, he came over... redirected my movement... and no more was needed.

Never Always.

Today I was reminded how the purest truths come in small packages.
In the same way Qigong reminds me that powerful changes come in subtle shifts. If you have ever practiced, held a seemingly simple posture, and noticed the heat generated in the body, you know exactly what I mean.

It is my dream to one day develop a practice that brings together my love of dance/movement as metaphor, subtle truths, and energy alchemy together as one. That is the intention of SHiNE BODY. May this blog help to reveal more of how that shall come to be. In the meantime, may we all find ways to fill ourselves so that the waters in our wells flow abundant and free.

I am reading a remarkable book, by Daniel Gilbert, entitled: Stumbling On Happiness. It speaks to the Researcher archetype in me... the one who was enthralled as a psychology major with explanations of the curiosities of human behavior. Psychology is, at best, the synergy of a multitude of minor illuminations that have been woven together to reveal the universal pathologies of the human mind. I love the beauty of this paradoxical science - the attempts to measure the subjective experience that is beyond objective measurement - due to the fact that the absolute truth can never be known as long as human's are the one doing the measuring. It is a fascinating predicament, that I love getting tangled in from time to time.


The book is a masterful work of a Harvard psychology professor who has weaved together research on the inherent pitfalls of imagination, foresight, and expectations as they relate to happiness. I find pleasure in any work that challenges the most basic tools that I use in my personal and professional practice (namely: imagination and sensation)... asking me to question, refine, and evolve my perspectives, making them more sound and viable. I highly recommend it!

From the website:

Most of us spend our lives steering ourselves toward the best of all possible futures, only to find that tomorrow rarely turns out as we had presumed. Why? As Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert explains, when people try to imagine what the future will hold, they make some basic and consistent mistakes. Just as memory plays tricks on us when we try to look backward in time, so does imagination play tricks when we try to look forward.

Using cutting-edge research, much of it original, Gilbert shakes, cajoles, persuades, tricks, and jokes us into accepting the fact that happiness is not really what or where we thought it was.

Smart, witty, accessible, and laugh-out-loud funny, Stumbling on Happiness brilliantly describes all that science has to tell us about the uniquely human endeavor to envision the future, and how likely we are to enjoy it when we get there.

BTW, you may even enjoy this one even if you are one who is typically overwhelmed by fact and figures. Gilbert's writing style is funny, satirical, and sometimes even has me laughing out loud. Enjoy!

I am on a flight from Atlanta to Denver... on the first leg of a journey back from a family visit. My presence was requested for my gorgeous niece, and her 3rd birthday party - I did a hoop performance and playshop. It was so wonderful, as always, to be with her and my nephew. (I promised myself that I would make every effort to ensure that they would know their aunt, even though I live so far away).

It's a 3 hour flight, and I just woke from a nap. To tell you the truth, I am little spun. Only three times in my life have a had a dream state like this one (and never on a plane!). It is a quality of sleep where I am teetering cautiously at the brink of conscious and subconscious, surfing the waves of thoughts and images in search of which is what.

The Dream:
I am on this very plane, in this very seat, in these very clothes.. on my way to where I go now. I am watching the direct tv screen. A news segment. The story is on making desires a reality (dreams coming true). I am fascinated as the anchorwoman holds up letters from viewers to demonstrate to her audience just how desperate they are for what she is about to offer them... the secret to living the life of their dreams. I quickly become disinterested in the story, as it is a sensationalized take-off of The Secret... but I am awed by the inclusion of a friend's letter among the many to the station... so, I DECIDE to wake up in order to send her an email, to tell her she is on the in-flight news show. So there I am... completely aware that I am dreaming with eyes open. Suddenly, I am in my body again... sleeping. I tell my body it is time to wake-up. Everything cooperates... only I cannot open my eyes. They are unmoving to the point of painful... stuck closed. It aches to try and open them, but I do. They will not budge. Anxiety surges through me, but I coax my emotions back to a center point in order to meet my aim more calmly. Slowly and suddenly, my eyes open. Ah, what relief!

But wait... I look around... I AM in the plane... in this seat, yet I suddenly realize that I am still not yet awake. Again, dreaming with eyes open tells me that I am still sleeping with eyes shut. Replay... I try to open them... again, they will not budge. Finally, they open at the urgency of my will. Again, I look around... and I am STILL asleep... and the cycle repeats for a third time!!

On this third attempt... I finally awaken for real.

When I finally woke, that depth... that prison of eyes wide shut beckoned me to challenge it with sleep again. There was no way that I would re-enter that unrelenting dream state. As l looked around at my environment, I struggled to tell myself that I was indeed awake... I was hesitant to be caught in the illusion again. Only a trip to the bathroom and a bite of food succeeded in convincing me. And now I sit perched on the bridge between this dream and that.

I had a dream almost identical to this months ago, where I woke... and woke... and woke. Finally to awaken to find that I understood what maya is... and the teaching that we are living in a dream in each and every moment. Although in my last dream, one very particular detail was different. Rather than my EYES that would not open... it was my JAW that was locked shut. My voice was that which would free me from the dream state. And today, it was my sight.

What I wake up wondering today is...
When will I really wake up? And what resistance will I face in order to push past that edge?

It is as though my eyes have been closed all along, and I have been waking up over and over ... and over again... to find that I have been dreaming with my eyes open for my entire life. Each new fabrication of reality is a dream... until I wake up to create a new one. Perhaps each time I wake up, the Observer that I am (my spirit) is activated to see more clearly. I have long felt that I am but a witness in the dream that is this world. Certainly, I have gotten tangled in many a drama in my past experience... however, the more that I wake up the more that I see that none of it permeated to the depths of who I really am.

I am the same Observer/Witness/Eyes that I was when I lost my yellow umbrella at kindergarten... when I was spinning around a May Pole in the 4th grade... and when I lost my virginity in high school. I am those age-less eyes that watched all the drama unfold in my heart and mind. And over the course of the years, I have become more and more aware of how many layers there are to this dream of existence. I aim to live from the eyes of this Higher Self, so that retrospect need not always be that which unplugs me from the storyline. And so I know that as I type these words, I am not awake. I know that the dream still has me in it. And I look forward to waking up again and again throughout the course of my life.

Perhaps one day... I will experience the awakening that only a few ever speak of. The enlightenment of seeing through all the veils at once. Death is the awakening that slices through them simultaneously... yet, I am willing to belief that The Purest Knowing is available right here on earth. May I awaken to find it one day soon.

Blessings to you in this Great Dream that is life....

Candice