Inside and Out
Betrayal Is An Inside Job
The Journey to
Forgiveness
It has been said that the first time someone
betrays you, it is his fault. And that each time after
is your own. I resonate with this at
first glance; yet, in light of recent events, I have
the urge to look closer. Perhaps, on some level,
betrayal is always an inside job?
Today, I look back on the relationship that I most
recently separated from and I am in awe of the
fabrications that operated within my mind... keeping me
from seeing clearly. In short, who I wanted this man to
be, he was not. And I did everything I could to make
him that someone other than who he was. You see,
leading up to this relationship, I spent time and
energy defining exactly what I wanted... mentally and
emotionally constructing an ideal. I was committed to
this image in my mind, and when a man came along who
offered his heart (and his physical and energetic
credentials) to me, I welcomed him with open arms. I
was eager to love him as that which I wanted (for I
naively believed that his presence alone confirmed that
I attracted what I wanted, right?). So when indicators
began to emerged from the very beginning that let me
know certain somethings were out of integrity between
us, I ignored them. I overlooked the times when our
values were not in alignment. I overlooked our poor
communication. I overlooked the most essential fact
that truth was not present enough of the time. And
mostly, I overlooked the reality that I was deceiving
myself to the bitter end.
To sum up the destruction of our relationship:
I deceived me. Then he
deceived me.
From the outside, given the dramatic turn of events and
betrayal of trust, it could seem like I am a victim of
his choices in the end. Neverthless, as of this moment,
I take ownership my many self-deceptions that proceeded
his. Each and every moment that I chose to overlook the
truth about who this man could really be in my life...
each time I re-invented him to live up to my ideal of
who he could be
- rejecting the
truth of the moment - I lied to us both through my
love. It was unfair. We could even go so far as to say
that I cheated on him long before he stepped out on me
(as I consistently made love to someone who existed
mostly in my mind). What is staggering to consider, is
how many times I reconstructed him... then felt myself
as a victim of the pain of my own betrayal.
I know, it sounds a bit extreme. Of course
there were ways
in which I was extremely present and in love with the
truth of him. There were a great many things that I
loved - and still love - about him. Primarily, I was
enamored by the potential man within him... his unique
brilliance intrigued me (as I have been gifted the
power to see it in everyone who crosses my path). Yet,
as I have learned in my work with clients, me seeing it
is not enough. Each person must do the work, for
himself or herself, in order to do the sometimes
painful untangling of the threads that bind us to
habitual responses in order to free the power we have
been granted.
To fall in love with who someone has the
potential to become, versus
who they
are in the moment... well, that
self-deception I take full responsibility for
perpetuating. I suppose we all do this to a certain
degree with those we love. Time and intimacy
(in-to-me-see) in relationship always reveals the areas
in which we need to grow in big and bold ways. That I
expected. I know that the mystique that he had
surrounding me had to be shadowed by my day-to-day
realities and ego-dance. No one is perfect... yet, what
I have learned without a doubt in the past few
months?...
In order for a relationship to work, honesty must be an
active agent. And honestly with self comes first. It's
the foundation from which all other truths
emerge.
So as for betrayal... I do not I take responsibility
for his choices in the end. I simply acknowledge that
the deceptions that out-pictured in my world with me as
the "victim" are but a reflection of an internal
reality already present within. So looking into the
mirror of my own manifestations I see...
I am no victim of
circumstance... I am the image it
reflects.
Creation Is An Outside Job
The Potential Within Bears
Fruit
From my deepest core, I believe that no matter what
decisions we make, our greatest good will eventually
find us. So how is that, if we
are the
creators of our own realities? I am continually humbled
by my meager attempts to create
my life. At a a
time when The Secret and The Law of Attraction are hot
topics, I am a student and teacher of metaphysics who
says "not quite." Don't get me wrong, I believe in
these principles to a certain degree... and they are at
work in my life. I have attracted so much of what my
heart desires. Yet, it seems that Spirit is offering me
an alternate perspective on it all. I can have
everything I desire and more.. only to realize that
what I want may not be what it is that I am
really
seeking. And
when the best possible reality emerges in my life, it
is often a far cry from what I thought I needed. I am
but a humble soul, aligning with life itself and
allowing creation to find me.
Let's look to nature for clarification, shall we?
Imagine the flower seed who is in charge of its own
creation. Is it the seed that attracts the blossom? Or
is it that within the seed exists the potential of the
blossom? Perhaps the ultimate blossom comes from the
seed aligning itself with the elements that most
support its creation. These might include: a fertile
environment, adequate nourishment, and exposure to
light. The seed itself does not create the blossom, it
aligns with supportive elements and then surrenders to
what nature has in store. And when a storm blows
through, destroying the very blossom that the seed had
cause to turn into... all is not lost. The wilted and
battered flower does not cry out "Woe is me! How could
I have brought this destruction into my pasture?!!" On
the contrary, there is an understanding in nature that
all that is created can not be mono-referrent and
self-initiated, as it is an interdependent and systemic
organism. And that the potential that exists within the
seed must have the grace to fit willingly into the
larger picture.
Our place in that wholeness is no different than that
of the flower. We align ourselves with the elements
that bring about: the most fertile dynamics in
relationship to our environment... the conscious
nourishment of body, heart, and mind... and exposure to
as much illumination and brilliance as possible. In
doing so, our potential is ignited and
creation happens to us and through
us. And
we learn to accept how each and every twist and turn
shapes us into being. We learn to rely, not on the
out-picturing of outcomes, but on the sensations that
ignite our potential. THAT is creation happening... the
stirring within. And we are actively involved
(visualizing and connecting to what moves us is useful,
and even more so is the courageousness of
doing!),
yet we are likewise receptive to looking outside of our
ideals about what we think should show up in our lives.
We welcome the unexpected visitors that offer us
perspective and connection to our less superficial
yearnings.
And so, today I am releasing my scripts around how I
think life should happen next, and I am focusing on
creating connection to the elements that feed me. As
for a new creation
in the
aftermath of the storm? Ah, at this time I can honestly
say, I have no romantic agendas or prerequisites in
mind for the future. I leave my heart open to the SHiNE
that leads me to more magnificence than my mind could
ever dream possible. Pictures dissolve, and I am free
to love purely again.
I trust that I am exactly where I need to be. In fact,
I take it step further. I wouldn't want to be anywhere
else than basking in the light of my own
self-discovery.
A Heart Breaking Open
"Ever has
it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation."
Kahlil Gibran
As a facilitator of
brilliance in others, I have found that sharing my path
is always relevant. For a time I thought that I must
keep my reality under lock and key... not revealing my
personal journey publicly. To do so would mean certain
vulnerability. Through my work unleashing my own SHiNE,
I have realized that hiding is a narcissistic pursuit,
and a presumption that I must be kept safe from
potential humiliation.
Humiliation... perhaps it's
really nothing to fear at all.
Humility
is among the
most powerful allies on my journey. And
my process of self-discovery IS the medicine that I am
meant to dispense. (I believe the same is true
for you.) So to bare my soul's deepest yearnings and
vulnerabilities is to walk the path of brilliance for
me.
The image above so perfectly reflects the space of my
heart right now. A tearing open to reveal new light...
and the insights born of death. The most intimate
relationship in my life to-date is ending. My
lover/companion and I shared a short-lived but
deeply-felt love for one another. And as I write, we
currently share a home, a bed, and a life together.
Nevertheless, we have been initiated by circumstance to
let one another go...
It has been a tremendous blessing to love... and to
lose. I
welcome the pain, for beneath it lies the potential for
more joy. Perhaps it is not that the heart breaks when
love is threatened, but instead that it
breaks
open... revealing blessings and
truths that can be used to transform the ways in which
we love ourselves and one another.
If indeed our partnerships in life act as Divine
Mirrors so that we might see ourselves better, may we
be willing to stare the truth in the face with fearless
curiosity. May we see how we are reflected in the
choices of those whom reside in and around our heart.
And may we seize the power to love under any
circumstance.
What brought an end to my relationship was painful to
be sure; yet, I know better than to cast myself a
victim in a drama that I helped to create. And I am
learning to let go of self-righteous towards what I
perceive to be the mistakes of others. I receive the
love that I am ready for in each moment... and anything
less, well, I must look within to find the strength to
reflect love where it is lacking.
For the past ten days, I have felt the pain of a broken
heart. Ironically, the Love
that I now offer - ever since pain tore into me - is an
enlightened evolution of the love that I thought was
sufficient up until now. I am cracked wider than
ever before, and I am filled with gratitude for the
pain that burrowed into the core of my potential. I now
have the opportunity to love in a manner that
transcends personal gain, self-gratification, and
attachment to outcome... or even hope of reciprocity.
This recent journey is teaching me what it is to bask
in the brilliance of the Feminine. In moments of
weakness
I discover the
Strength and Power of what it is to be a woman. I take
my heart that has been broken... blasted wide open...
and I treat it as an altar. Each day, my practice is to
embrace humiliation (the brilliant gift of forced
humility) and prostrate repeatedly before my tender,
open heart. And it speaks back to me in a message of
grace, like a whisper within...
She says to me...
"Neither hunger for love nor withhold your own.
My sweet, dare to be love
itself!"
Thanks for bearing my heart witness.
Yours Bursting Open,
Candice