Once again, I choose the road less traveled.

It seems that the past ten years of my life has been about paving new pathways. My most recent choice - to recommit to a relationship that has experienced so much recent upheaval - is perhaps one of my most courageous endeavors to date. And it is good. I feel a healthy dose of exhilaration traversing the brilliant landscapes of these ever-greater altitudes. For a time, the fog was thick as I navigated the unknown twists and turns - reason would have me take the first exit as my light continually bounced back at me with a blinding force, daring me to look my own reflection in the face. Nevertheless, I made the choice to move forth with my course set for an unknown destination. And may I be so bold as to say that I am the better for it.

In the aftermath of disaster comes the opportunity to begin again. Sometimes, a new path is in order. Yet, quite often in relationship we are invited to stay our course along a more conscious trajectory.

I am learning to experience true intimacy as many small deaths of self in the Divine Mirror of partnership. If we are willing to look directly at the co-created offsprings of our union, more of ourselves can be revealed to us. In essence, two people willing to meet the gaze of one another fully - even if once their eyes once flitted to and fro with fear - have the sudden potential to experience a communion of love unparalleled.

It is human nature to flea from vulnerability. Most relationships reach many critical points - those pivotal crossroads that are inevitable when two hearts are sharing a path, each with unique desires. And so emerges the opportunity to learn how to truly love and grow in the company of another. In some cases, in a time of crisis, one or both parties may be unwilling to self-reflect... to peer beneath the surface in order to rise above the drama of circumstance. Sometimes the pain of the moment is so debilitating - especially when old traumas are triggered by the choices of someone whom we love - that to stay is to face an inner demon for whom we are unprepared to wage war. In these times, sudden splits occur. Yet certainly too, there are times when an experience is there to unearth an incompatibility that requests that a relationship shifts, changes form in an organic fashion. It is the wise and practiced partnership that can navigate such shifts with grace and open hearts.

I have felt the tug of both realties in the past few months... yet have somehow landed in a space in between. Gazing around at the sea of destruction all around me, I see opportunity. And I feel tremendous gratitude. My partnership is brand new... it has been devastated in order to be RESET by a force much larger than the both of us. In the aftermath of calamity we have been able to discover one another brand new. Once the story line of our distant hearts dissolved... all that was left was a wondrous sea to explore - how did we lose sight of one another?

As much as I feared what it meant to re-enter such a space of vulnerability, I feel met by a wise force of forgiveness and grace that is neither naive or weak-hearted. In fact, it is the most empowering love I have every known. It says, I will not run from this heart of mine. I face its journey with willingness.

May I continue to surrender to this path of love that reveals me to be more than I once was.

Tags: forgiveness, grace, relationships

Betrayal Is An Inside Job
The Journey to Forgiveness

It has been said that the first time someone betrays you, it is his fault. And that each time after is your own. I resonate with this at first glance; yet, in light of recent events, I have the urge to look closer. Perhaps, on some level, betrayal is always an inside job?

Today, I look back on the relationship that I most recently separated from and I am in awe of the fabrications that operated within my mind... keeping me from seeing clearly. In short, who I wanted this man to be, he was not. And I did everything I could to make him that someone other than who he was. You see, leading up to this relationship, I spent time and energy defining exactly what I wanted... mentally and emotionally constructing an ideal. I was committed to this image in my mind, and when a man came along who offered his heart (and his physical and energetic credentials) to me, I welcomed him with open arms. I was eager to love him as that which I wanted (for I naively believed that his presence alone confirmed that I attracted what I wanted, right?). So when indicators began to emerged from the very beginning that let me know certain somethings were out of integrity between us, I ignored them. I overlooked the times when our values were not in alignment. I overlooked our poor communication. I overlooked the most essential fact that truth was not present enough of the time. And mostly, I overlooked the reality that I was deceiving myself to the bitter end.

To sum up the destruction of our relationship:
I deceived me. Then he deceived me.

From the outside, given the dramatic turn of events and betrayal of trust, it could seem like I am a victim of his choices in the end. Neverthless, as of this moment, I take ownership my many self-deceptions that proceeded his. Each and every moment that I chose to overlook the truth about who this man could really be in my life... each time I re-invented him to live up to my ideal of who he could be - rejecting the truth of the moment - I lied to us both through my love. It was unfair. We could even go so far as to say that I cheated on him long before he stepped out on me (as I consistently made love to someone who existed mostly in my mind). What is staggering to consider, is how many times I reconstructed him... then felt myself as a victim of the pain of my own betrayal.

I know, it sounds a bit extreme. Of course there were ways in which I was extremely present and in love with the truth of him. There were a great many things that I loved - and still love - about him. Primarily, I was enamored by the potential man within him... his unique brilliance intrigued me (as I have been gifted the power to see it in everyone who crosses my path). Yet, as I have learned in my work with clients, me seeing it is not enough. Each person must do the work, for himself or herself, in order to do the sometimes painful untangling of the threads that bind us to habitual responses in order to free the power we have been granted.

To fall in love with who someone has the potential to become, versus who they are in the moment... well, that self-deception I take full responsibility for perpetuating. I suppose we all do this to a certain degree with those we love. Time and intimacy (in-to-me-see) in relationship always reveals the areas in which we need to grow in big and bold ways. That I expected. I know that the mystique that he had surrounding me had to be shadowed by my day-to-day realities and ego-dance. No one is perfect... yet, what I have learned without a doubt in the past few months?... In order for a relationship to work, honesty must be an active agent. And honestly with self comes first. It's the foundation from which all other truths emerge.

So as for betrayal... I do not I take responsibility for his choices in the end. I simply acknowledge that the deceptions that out-pictured in my world with me as the "victim" are but a reflection of an internal reality already present within. So looking into the mirror of my own manifestations I see...

I am no victim of circumstance... I am the image it reflects.

Creation Is An Outside Job
The Potential Within Bears Fruit

From my deepest core, I believe that no matter what decisions we make, our greatest good will eventually find us. So how is that, if we are the creators of our own realities? I am continually humbled by my meager attempts to create my life. At a a time when The Secret and The Law of Attraction are hot topics, I am a student and teacher of metaphysics who says "not quite." Don't get me wrong, I believe in these principles to a certain degree... and they are at work in my life. I have attracted so much of what my heart desires. Yet, it seems that Spirit is offering me an alternate perspective on it all. I can have everything I desire and more.. only to realize that what I want may not be what it is that I am really seeking. And when the best possible reality emerges in my life, it is often a far cry from what I thought I needed. I am but a humble soul, aligning with life itself and allowing creation to find me.

Let's look to nature for clarification, shall we?
Imagine the flower seed who is in charge of its own creation. Is it the seed that attracts the blossom? Or is it that within the seed exists the potential of the blossom? Perhaps the ultimate blossom comes from the seed aligning itself with the elements that most support its creation. These might include: a fertile environment, adequate nourishment, and exposure to light. The seed itself does not create the blossom, it aligns with supportive elements and then surrenders to what nature has in store. And when a storm blows through, destroying the very blossom that the seed had cause to turn into... all is not lost. The wilted and battered flower does not cry out "Woe is me! How could I have brought this destruction into my pasture?!!" On the contrary, there is an understanding in nature that all that is created can not be mono-referrent and self-initiated, as it is an interdependent and systemic organism. And that the potential that exists within the seed must have the grace to fit willingly into the larger picture.

Our place in that wholeness is no different than that of the flower. We align ourselves with the elements that bring about: the most fertile dynamics in relationship to our environment... the conscious nourishment of body, heart, and mind... and exposure to as much illumination and brilliance as possible. In doing so, our potential is ignited and creation happens to us and through us. And we learn to accept how each and every twist and turn shapes us into being. We learn to rely, not on the out-picturing of outcomes, but on the sensations that ignite our potential. THAT is creation happening... the stirring within. And we are actively involved (visualizing and connecting to what moves us is useful, and even more so is the courageousness of doing!), yet we are likewise receptive to looking outside of our ideals about what we think should show up in our lives. We welcome the unexpected visitors that offer us perspective and connection to our less superficial yearnings.

And so, today I am releasing my scripts around how I think life should happen next, and I am focusing on creating connection to the elements that feed me. As for a new creation in the aftermath of the storm? Ah, at this time I can honestly say, I have no romantic agendas or prerequisites in mind for the future. I leave my heart open to the SHiNE that leads me to more magnificence than my mind could ever dream possible. Pictures dissolve, and I am free to love purely again.

I trust that I am exactly where I need to be. In fact, I take it step further. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than basking in the light of my own self-discovery.

Tags: betrayal, cheating on me, life coaching, relationships, forgiveness

My apologize for the singular focus of late. I have shared much in this blog, as my feminine has been guiding the journey of awakening through a transitioning with another. I have practiced bringing peace, heart space, and understanding to myself and my relationship. And, it seems that recent embodiment of radiant feminine love has caught the interest of someone who sees my potential... who showers me with the potent force of his integrity and commitment to serve my highest good.

Today, I was swept off my feet into the arms of love. I fell into the embrace of a exceptionally powerful lover that sees me as the sacred gift that I am. This Beloved He pulled me close to him with such a force, it took my breath away! His aim, he said... to protect me from myself. I have attracted the masculine love of my dreams... and it comes from within. It is a love that dares my divine feminine to accept nothing less than its equal. The Beloved She within me (radiant love) has met, enchanted, and wed The Beloved He within me (trusted direction). I am the child reborn of their union.

It happened when I caught myself - quite literally - looking around the space of my life, once again asking the question: Why am I not being cherished and honored as the sacred gift that I am?

I know that our physical world is but a reflection of our inner reality. And so... I turned the mirror inward. I called a dear friend by phone who always delivers the truth. This elder woman was a tour guide on a journey within my own energetic field and its recent consequences. The results of my recent actions was undeniable. I have spent tremendous energy taking care of my partner, of the relationship, and of outer circumstances. Yet who was taking care of me?

It was then that a masculine force within swept me up in a proclamation:
"It is you who does not honor your beauty. It is you who must cherish you. It is you that must enter a sacred covenant without exception. And it is I who will show you how."

The Beloved He immediately began to guide me from within to take steps to nurture myself... drawing healthy boundaries around my body, my heart, and my physical space. With commitment and diligent understanding, He stands nearby as I tenderly landscape the perimeters of the sacred temple that is me. I am choosing to entertain thoughts, actions, and relationships that greet my heart with reverence. And through the gates of my self-love, only energies that meet the highest standards of love shall pass.

Thank you to Kali Rose for an illuminating reading today that shed light on my path. Thank you to Gail - my soul sister of truth - who reminded me what it is to love myself through my choices. And thank you to The Beloved He who embraced me with the force of the love that I deserve, so that I might claim it now.

Tags: the beloved, relationships, life coaching

Needing The One

My Love and I came together in a hungriness. We spent one fateful day together intoxicated by the idea of one another. As soon as our eyes locked we were staring at a vision of a life together. Only a day later, words of promise were implied in bold statements: "finally I found you"... "you are The One that I have been waiting for". The sudden buzz of such encounters left us both smitten and certain that we were the luckiest two people on the planet. In short, we were immediately convinced that the sensation of our own divinity (our SHiNE) simply had to be invested in one another... for that was what finding The One meant, right?

Now I am not one to entertain such musings lightly. I caution my clients to take care not to confuse the true Source of illumination with the vehicle through which it presents itself. Yet, I was a romatically-inclined woman hungry for connection. It had been three years since my last relationship. I knew in my heart that I wanted (and could have) a love of such depth and intensity as to spend a life together; nevertheless, I had no idea what that might look like in its healthiest form. My time spent in solitude was a preparation of sorts - undoing old ways of being with the determination to do relationship differently next time. I had even created a vision (on paper) of who I thought this man whom I would devote my heart to might be like. When he showed up, I was immediately sold by an energetic resume that aligned with my idea of the him-ness that would best suit me.

Not to mention, his words were intoxicating. I was his destiny! I was enamored by the idea that someone could feel such things about me. In my expressions of fear (that I wasn't sure I could say the same of him yet), he became ever-more confident in our union. He would meet my fears with the light touch of his conviction... and I would become immediately his again. As Deida put it so eloquently (see Part 1): "[his] adoration and neediness assuaged my fear and buoyed my self-sense." And, in turn, "my insecurity and neediness made [him] feel more secure in [his] ownership of [me]." At times, I was acutely aware of this dynamic. Yet even when I felt concern that our destined union was slightly laced with co-dependent landmines, I pushed it aside as fear of commitment. I was needed... and so I gave more of myself to us.

In essence, I see I was inadvertently attempting to realize my self-worth through another.

No Longer Needing The One

So I entered whole-heartedly... or so I thought. In truth, I was in a state of hopeful cynicism at best. I always felt there was a suspicious energy continually lurking in the shadows. As if somehow we were setting ourselves up for its unexpected emergence.

That inevitable revelation came in a painful realization...
We were not an energy invincible.

We shared more and more of our lives with one another, and eventually fell into a mundane existence where the intoxication that once unified us gave way to sobriety. And in the most unexpected turn of events, I suddenly discovered that my Love had drifted away from me towards the intoxicating Love of another. And, due to the impossible expectations that we had placed upon one other, we were unable to survive. For to believe that someone is The One for whom your love is destined is to believe that it could not possibly have cause to venture elsewhere. And so when that love leaks out - and there is a new source of fixation - inevitable confusion arises for all parties involved. The lovers are left wondering, "Could I be mistaken that he/she/the other is The One?"

I suppose it all depends on how we define The One. When we no longer feel the urgent and intoxicating NEED for someone... could they still be The One to whom our heart is called? When the hunger is no longer what is urging our heart towards communion, what else are we left with?

Love.

Love ultimately reveals The One to us. When all that I need from you dissolves into all that I have to offer in love with you... ultimate expression of Oneness is found. For it may in fact be that needing someone is just the opposite of loving them.


Loving The One

For me, I have determined that The One is a choice - a set of actions that say... now that I no longer need you, I choose to love you. And Love of The One says, I will love you even in this.

I have discovered - as this relationship is ending - that even in the face of a future that looks nothing like ever-after, I can only know The One in the moment. And so, he is The One. He is The One who will prepare my heart in redefining One-ness forever.

Thus...
The One is He whom my heart is open to without need to be filled...
And The One whom I love even when he no longer needs me to.

I am committed to treating this relationship with a new reverence. We once worshipped one another as The One (for the sense of promise we offered). Now, even in our pending separation, I still choose to worship my lover as The One... until death do us part. The One whom my heart is devoted to in loving... no longer in needing. And in surrendering my need, I can witness our death (be it on the horizon) without the hunger to salvage what I cannot in good faith make right on my own.

I don't need to. For The One happens through me... and another one will reveal himself to me. And I will say with confidence and conviction, "You are The One - for at the moment that needing dissolves into loving, true Oneness is found."

Tags: relationships, losing love, falling in love, the one, david deida, needing someone